Ask IndyTed

Twenty-Ten

2010-12-17T15:41:00.001-05:00

I’ve lived more years than books I’ve read. But, one I read this year, “The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid” was special. It was based on the author’s childhood in the 50’s and 60’s which incredibly paralleled my own experiences. The narrative made me laugh to the point of annoying those around me on the plane and on the beach which conveniently allows me to tell you we have been all over the place again this year. We traveled to Hutchison Island (FL) to see Guy & Marilyn, St. Louis multiple times to hold Finley, Parker, and our new grand baby Harrison-born 12/28/09, Cabo to antagonize our good friend Joey, San Francisco to experience new things with Jo & Joel, southwestern Michigan to antagonize Joey some more, north of Seattle to attempt being nice to Joey at her daughter’s wedding, Hawaii to see if Joey would actually pick us up at the airport, Napa (not the auto parts store) for an incredible weekend with Joel, Jo and Jo’s parents, St. Francis Hospital, and before the year ends, to Toronto. Now, you’re probably wondering why I have included St. Francis as a travel destination. Well, that would be the same reason you take your Ferrari to get a tune-up every time it rains. You see, Julie’s mother is 99, approaching her 100th birthday in May 2011 and she just needed to have her bolts tightened up and fluids topped off four times this past summer. When you are a high performance vintage machine, a little maintenance is required. VROOOM!

As for our three amigos, life has been kind, yet challenging for each of them. Kyle had a BIG year. He met an incredible woman in NYC named Casey, a.k.a. Cupcake, a nickname she earned at Joel’s wedding. After she finished her hand surgery fellowship, they decided to move back to her neck of the Canadian woods in August to a little town named Toronto. They just became engaged over the Thanksgiving weekend! Sorry ladies, he is our last available son. Kyle is learning the travails of being an ex-patriot and Casey is very busy starting her practice.

Oh, did I mention Joel is married? He tied the knot May 1st with a remarkable lady, Jo Chien, in the Santa Cruz Mountains! All who attended are sure that they will never again experience such a wedding and reception... which included the Stanford Dollies dancing to the Stanford “Scatter” Marching Band, a show choir routine, a bhangra dance. an amazing Kyle-produced video and lots of overflowing laughter and love. If there had been an earthquake, I would not have felt it. Jo is an academic breast oncologist at UCSF and Joel continues to do well at Google. We returned in October to spend the weekend with the two of them and Jo’s delightful parents, David & Chia-Chia, to visit Marin County and Napa. It is such a beautiful part of the country. I can see why people want to live there in spite of the taxes and the Terminator. If I had to work again, it would be a joy to work for/under/over/around either of them. It’s safe to say, “I’m not qualified”.

Brian, Brooke, and our three grand kids are doing what a family does when Dad is in his third year of anesthesiology residency. Brian works long and extra hours, their phenomenal Mom improvises and optimizes the resources they have, and the kids stay healthy while loving Mom & Dad. It sounds like a simple formula, but it has a lot of moving parts. So, if the federal government wants to find a way to fix its finances, they should call Brooke. If it wants to show it cares, they should call Brian. If the government is looking for its future, the kids will be there to straighten things out in about twenty years.

In closing, just like the Thunderbolt Kid, we have a great family, live in a great country, can freely worship our God, have great friends, the opportunity to grow, learn from our mistakes, and live a bountiful life. I could go on and on, so please read the book so I can keep this letter to one page and a 44 cent stamp. I’m not cheap, but I am German. Anyway, I gotta go. Julie is coming home soon from another easy day at IUPUI and I have so many things to do. She has no idea what it takes to run a household!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Kitchen Remodeling

2010-06-05T06:08:00.009-04:00

We live (when we aren't sleeping) in our kitchen, so I imagine if you are going to splurge, it might as well be where you keep your pots & pans.

My first kitchen re-do happened in 1972. I was fresh out of college and had no business getting a house, but my father helped me buy one. He had just hired me as a neophyte and he liked his salesmen in debt. Anyway, the house needed some TLC and my idea of remodeling was a gallon of paint and a couple of scratch & dent appliances. Done! How nice does a kitchen need to be to grill a hamburger and fry a breaded tenderloin?

Then, I got married. I was able to keep the genie in the bottle by buying new homes over the next 36 years which had nice kitchens, but never "the kitchen". Then, I weakened. I let the genie out to help us buy some new counter tops. The levies were breached! It became a total tear out.

After kicking the tires at a couple of kitchen "specialists" (a.k.a. "We know you have a wife and we are going to take ALL of your money") we ended up at Lowes where the corporate saying is "Let's build something together". The only thing I was building was some marital tension. Let's just say I lost the argument two months earlier when I mumbled "counter tops".

So, for the past month we have been living in transition. Julie has been packing her lunch pail heading off to the salt mine while I have been babysitting the contractors while "We are building something together". First, I need to say that everyone involved has been very nice and knowledgeable with their assigned tasks. However, this must be the industry were they employ all of the adults with attention deficit disorder. They show up late, leave frequently, forget necessary items, and generally make a German-heritage obsessive compulsive person like myself-NUTS!

We are now in our 6th week. Our kitchen is functional, but not yet finished. Most of what is left is cosmetic stuff that should be done by the end of the week. But now, the Mrs. is changing the room colors. That is equivalent to BP trying to find a new way to stop "The Leak". I'm betting BP will finish first.

Guardian Angels

2010-05-05T09:18:00.005-04:00

My dear Mom who passed away due to cancer in 1987 believed in guardian angels. She always felt that our family had been protected by a power greater than our own common sense. Most likely she was right. Our family has been blessed with good fortune for years. It's not that we haven't had our share of challenges, but when we needed divine intervention things have worked out.

Anyway, when Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer she was needless to say greatly disappointed that she would not be on this Earth to see her grandchildren grow up. So, in her last months she promised her six children that she would be the Meek clan's guardian angel. Most people would think that was a sweet gesture and then would forget about it.

However, Mom frequently sends reminders she is watching over us.

For example, two years ago at Brian and Brooke's wedding rehearsal dinner on the beach at Daufuskie Island, a double rainbow rose up above the ocean as I was toasting their marriage. And last week, in the Santa Cruz Mountains on a perfectly calm day, as Jo and Joel stepped forward to the spot where they would become a couple forever, a breeze blew directly through them raising the veil on Jo's dress. I looked around us and nothing else was moving. The redwoods were still, the lake was calm, and my eyes were wet. Julie, Nancy, Donna and Joe also interpreted this veil-lifting breeze as Mom's presence. It was just Mom's way of telling us she was there.

The rest of the day was equally remarkable. but I would refer you to Brooke's blog at www.thethreeolives.com. She captured the moments beautifully.

Needing, but not wanting to, Julie and I took off Monday morning on separate flights (to save a couple hundred bucks) and I had the pleasure of being on the same flight as Julio and Marilyn Fernandez. I've known Marilyn since carhops were on roller skates, so we had quite a chat. Nevertheless, my flight was routine and arrived on time in Indy. I contacted Julie and confirmed she was on time in Chicago an hour behind me. When my phone rang at her scheduled arrival time I assumed she was on the runway in Indy, but that was not the case. Her plane had returned to Chicago to make an emergency landing. The plane had lost the computer that controlled the landing gear. The crew went into full emergency mode just like the "Miracle on the Hudson" only this one was on concrete. Julie thought she was going to die. But the back-up computer worked, the landing gear came down and she eventually returned home safely on a different plane.

Mom was there.

10 Things That Make Old Men Grumpy

2010-04-26T20:07:00.005-04:00

1) When they realize that they are older than AskIndyTed
2) Women (except Mom)
3) Taxes (see #4)
4) Obama
5) Pencil-necked bosses whose only skill is producing spreadsheets
6) Rush hour traffic
7) Liberals (see #4)
8) Going to work when you don't care anymore
9) When your favorite college football team loses the BCS Championship
10)Infrequent blog posts by AskIndyTed

Blog Block

2010-04-24T11:07:00.003-04:00

Some have asked why I haven't posted recently. Well, it hasn't been for lack of material. With taxes (property, inheritance, income,sales, VAT, etc.), healthcare reform, financial reform, government deficits (local, state, federal, and any sovereign nation without an oil well), and dog-owners not picking up their best friend's #2, I could have posted daily. But, who really wants to hear about all of that negative noise.

Nevertheless, all of these happenings have affected my mood to write. I needed inspiration, a lightening bolt, a sign from the heavens, stronger coffee...Something! I was neither depressed nor inspired. I was mired in winter, another miserable season of basketball from IU and the Indiana Tax Pirates, uh Pacers. The Colts didn't show up for the Super Bowl, but Julie's bronchitis did-twice. Personally, my life was fine, but things around me were kind of out of kilter, broken, busted, out-of-time, cattywhompus, in a fog, screwed up, and otherwise sliding sideways.

Well, it's time to fill my BVD's up with ice and snap out of it, throw some cold water in my face, and a whiff of smelling salts! What's my problem? Nothin'! I was blessed with a new healthy beautiful grandson (#3), Harrison, on December 28th. Joel is marrying a wonderful woman next week. And I have the excitement of meeting Kyle's girlfriend at the wedding (no small thing-the CIA should have such security).

So, stay tuned. I'll be baaahck!

Fixing the Federal Deficit

2010-02-18T18:52:00.006-05:00

Our politicians know the solution to our federal budget deficits, but none of them would dare be the one to say it. There are numerous ways to eliminate the deficit or at least diminish it to a level that would not mortgage the future of the financial health of the U.S.A., not to mention crippling the rest of the world's nations who are holding our enormous debt. Correcting just two well-guarded "entitlements" could do the trick.

First, raise the retirement age for Social Security to at least 70 years of age. This would affect me directly since I will be 62 in a couple of years, so would qualify for a couple of grand per month from Uncle Sam, a check me and the Mrs. would be happy to collect after sending in over a half of a million dollars in payroll deductions across both our careers. However, when Social Security was conceived, folks did not live 20 to 30 years past retirement. Most of them never saw the first check.

Second, and I will preface my statement by saying this is even more controversial, is to let people die when they are in fact dying. Did you know that over half of our collective U.S. healthcare bill is paying for the last 60 days of life with death as the outcome? That's right. Doesn't make much sense does it?

There you have it. No tax increase. No new spending. And, you would have an environment that would allow businesses to start hiring the unemployed and start growing our economy once again.

Budget Cuts

2010-02-01T19:06:00.005-05:00

If the federal government could not print money, they would cut their ridiculous spending. On the other hand, state and local entities are finally feeling the need to prune their overgrown landscapes resulting from their own out-of-control expenditures.

Governor Daniels has sent down the order for higher education to cut $300 million. Franklin Township Schools need to trim $8 million. Center Grove Schools are threatening to eliminate music and art from their curriculum much like the sad sack IPS did last year. I have news for you. The party is over.

We can no longer borrow our way to a better way of living. The bill has come due and everyone wants a bailout. Sorry, you need to be a Wall Street banker with "connections" to get another chance at fiscal responsibility. We, finally, have to live within our means. It won't be so bad. I remember my mother telling me that the Great Depression wasn't really all that bad. She told me..."Everyone was in the same boat. No one had anything".

I still remember her telling me that you only feel left out when someone else has something you think you need. In her case, everyone was without, but they had each other. And, her family, in spite of an occasional squabble, continues to meet every year since about 1920 to talk about never needing anything except each other.

State of the Special Interests of America

2010-01-27T20:49:00.003-05:00

I am sitting down in front of the tube (actually a flat screen) getting ready to see how long I can tolerate listening to another President tell me how much better, safer, cleaner, and prosperous we are than a year ago. Well, I'm not swallowing the hook anymore. After just one year of irresponsible yet well meaning leadership from Obama, eight years of George W. attacking anything wearing sandals, eight years of Slick Willie chasing skirts around the globe, and Reagan fading to black while he was still in the White House, I've become a become a tad dubious of the guy sitting in the Oval Office.

Where are the Washingtons, Jeffersons, Lincolns, and Roosevelts that made the U.S.A. the great country that it is, at least for the time being? I'll tell you where they are. They are owned, controlled, and manipulated by "special interests" and the money they provide which is necessary to buy, I mean win, the election. Whoever raises the most cash wins. It's that simple.

So, if you are not personally represented by one of these "groups", find one. Otherwise, you are on your own. Me? I'm going to get my AARP card laminated tomorrow.

Circle City Ambassador

2010-01-10T10:14:00.003-05:00

Have you ever seen a flick in downtown Indy at the cineplex atop Circle Centre (that's the way they spell it) Mall? I would guess not, since it is rare to see more than a few folks camped in front of any of the nine screens, regardless of the movie. If movie theaters across the country are struggling to fill the seats, this one is in a coma on life support.

So, why would my sweetie and I frequent a place where so few tread? The obvious reason would be the proximity from where we live which is less than a mile. We can walk if the weather is nice or drive and park for free (the theater stamps your ticket for 3 free hours) while leaving the umbrella & overcoat at home. The other is to see a man who is always there. I do not know his name, but he defines the phrase "work ethic" like no other.

His job is simple, but not easy. His task is boring, but rewarding. He needs to do little, but it requires considerable effort. He is not the boss, but you won't see the movie without his permission. He is the ticket taker. He is also severely disabled. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that all you can see of him is his face, feet, hands, and the rest of his twisted body in between, sitting in a wheelchair. He has difficulty raising his head and it requires considerable effort for him to tear the ticket stubs in half. But, he always greets you in a deep graveled voice, directs you to the correct theater, and tells you to enjoy the movie. Afterwards, on your way out, he thanks you for coming and asks for you to come back soon. You leave being appreciated, a mistake so many failing businesses have yet to learn.

If more Americans gave 100% effort like him, we would not be questioning the future. We would be looking forward to it and enjoying our abundant lives. And, sometimes, taking in a flick.

Knight is Talking, Again

2009-12-19T14:15:00.018-05:00

Bobby Knight is coming ever so slowly out his shell and back to the State of Indiana. He was in town this week for an ESPN broadcast of a Butler game (the current favorite team in Indiana-uh, sorry Purdue). While here, he accepted an opportunity to speak at the Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame, not to be confused with the IU Hall of Fame that he recently snubbed after being inducted. Get over it Bobby. Myles unfortunately, prematurely passed to the hereafter and everyone else who tried to modify your behavior is vamanos! As he was speaking, Bobby was the charming, somewhat foul-mouthed, PG-13, rule one violator (takes oneself to seriously) that he typically portrays.

However, one sound bite by Bobby broadcasted by the local media was dead on true. The NCAA rule book has grown so verbose yet vague that compliance has become an issue of begging forgiveness rather than asking for permission. If one wanders "outside the lines", it merely takes a phone call to your attorney to negotiate your severance and next (bigger & better) contract.

Bobby took a direct swipe at John Calipari, the current Kentucky mentor, who has left his last two (three if you count the NJ Nets) in ashes. I witnessed Calipari's current stable of thoroughbreds last week against IU. It was boys playing men. Matter of fact, if I was Larry Bird, I would have traded the UK team straight up for the Pacers. Calipari can coach, but he has taken a team from missing the NIT to an NCAA contender in 10 games! I think Calipari has taken some shortcuts.

Regardless of whether you love Bobby or hate him. He is right-again.

What I Want for Christmas

2009-12-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

For starters. let me tell you what I do have. I have a beautiful wife and a wonderful family. I live in a comfortable home regardless of the weather, have charming neighbors & great friends, and my dog loves me. I have savings, health insurance, more clothes than I need, enough electronic devices to start a pawn shop, and can travel anywhere on the three B's (bike, bus, and beemer).

What do I need? Not much, actually. I was thinking of chucking my mobile, but the little lady wants to be able to track me via GPS should I hike the Appalachian Trail or have a sudden onset of Alzheimer's. I could use new exercise clothes. I have some now, but one of my charming neighbors thought my black baggy outfit made me look like M.C. Hammer. I could use a backpack to carry "whatever" while I tool around downtown on my bike. I guess I could use a plastic bag, but that carries an entirely different identity downtown. However, if I get none of these, it's no big deal.

So, what do I want for Christmas? I want my soon-to-born grandson to be healthy. I want the wars wherever they are to end. I want everyone who wants a job to have one that fits their skills. And, most of all I want to stop wanting. I will need to learn to accept what I have is enough and trust the the Good Lord will give me what I need.

That being said, here's hoping you get what you want or better-what you need this Christmas.

Happy Holidays from Downtown Indy

2009-12-07T19:43:00.002-05:00

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Dickens must have been thinking of us.

We started off the year with Julie being diagnosed with breast cancer. Whoa! Wait a minute. That's the worst of times? It sure felt like it at first for me and the kids, but we cannot begin to tell you the love and support we received from so many friends and family. Every time we had a need, someone was there. Julie experienced all of the ups and downs...surgery, chemo, radiation, and the associated fatigue one would expect. However, she also felt blessed to have found "it" early, had great doctors (including Jo, Joel's fiance', and Brian), great caregivers at IU, and hundreds of prayers on her behalf. She is still a quart low in the energy department, but still does more than two people drinking Red Bulls. She is continuing to become more deeply involved at the IU School of Nursing. Somehow, I knew that was going to happen. But, she is in the right place at the right time for the two of us. IU and the health care world are fortunate to have her passion and expertise.

Myself? I retired on Sept 30th (thank you my love). After 37 years in the graphic arts biz, I was "well" done. I am just getting into my new life, so allow me some time to decide what I plan to do. Right now, I rant on my blog, AskIndyTed, and do whatever Julie thinks I am qualified to do. So far, cooking is not one of them. I still fantasize about walking the Appalachian Trial. We'll see.

Kyle is still loving and living in NYC. He moved to Brooklyn last year and is exploring the possibility of owning rather than renting. If anyone has info on Kyle, please let us know. He likes to keep us all guessing. All we know is he's single, handsome, talented, charming, and a wonderful son. Look for his newest production on CBS College Sports (Dish Channel 152) on December 18th. The show is about Billy Cannon who won the Heisman in 1959 and was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2008. By the way, Kyle is a great storyteller.

If you didn't notice in paragraph two, Joel is engaged to a wonderful woman named Jo Chien! She is a breast oncologist at UCSF Medical Center. Google her and be amazed. Speaking of Google, Joel continues to play an important operations management role for Google Apps. This letter is a Doc which is one of the Apps. Confused? Google it. You'll find the information. Moving on, they are getting "hitched" (Do they say that in CA?) on May 1st in the Santa Cruz Mountains. If you didn't have the opportunity to meet Jo's family at our home over Thanksgiving, they are a delight! Don't Google them. There is way too much info on their accomplishments. It will crash the servers.

Brian, Brooke, Parker, and Finley are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Harrison sometime around New Year's Day. The stork will have his work cut out. Harrison is huge! As for the rest of the family, all you need to do is read Brooke's blog, www.thethreeolives.com. It tells it all. Let me just say that B & B are doing a great job. Brian continues his anesthesia residency with the possibility of focusing on pain management. Meanwhile, Brooke continues to be a great Mom and more. I haven't seen the likes of her since my own Julie. Hang in there Brooke-only 2 1/2 more years of residency.

All in all, we are truly blessed. We hit a few chuckholes along the way in 2009, but we have each other. What else could you need? So, when your times are a little rough, may you and yours be reminded to hug and appreciate each other in celebration of the birth of Christ as the true joy and meaning of this Christmas season!

Being Merried

2009-11-30T17:46:00.006-05:00

No, that isn't a typo. I am talking about what I have had some difficulty with from time to time. You see, I've become a bit of a curmudgeon in my later years. I imagine it is a bit of an aversion to experiencing disappointment. Please understand, I just retired as a salesperson. In sales, rejection is a daily occurrence and you become a bit hardened as a means of self-preservation. Sometimes, after a long hard series of rejections, you are just not a lot of fun.

But, I'm getting off the subject, which is to find a way to become a "light" instead of a Captain Dark Cloud. This past weekend, I had my very own "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. You see, I have been in a royal funk over the past few years--frustrated with the way "things" have turned out. There's no reason to re-hash my past. Let's just say it was not what I had envisioned for myself.

Then, last weekend, we threw a party!

Over a hundred friends, family, and neighbors came to our home to celebrate the engagement of Joel (my second oldest) to a wonderful woman named Jo. It was quite an event in our small downtown condo. There was conversation, laughter, hugging, kissing, great food, stories, and me--feeling just like Jimmy Stewart at the end of the movie. It does not matter what has happened in your life. It only matters that people care.

So, feeling a little down? Hug someone. 'Tis the season for "Being Merried".

Litterbugs

2009-11-26T06:56:00.004-05:00

I was recently fortunate to travel across the pond to visit the Queen and her subjects. And, I must say, London seems to really have its act together. The city is absolutely beautiful, rich with history, fast-paced (I've never seen people walk that fast), polite, well-dressed, and VOID of litter. I'm not kidding! No trash anywhere except in the few hard to find trash receptacles.

Why would I notice? Because, I live on a busy city street in Indy when folks seems to think it is quite appropriate to toss whatever they like on the ground. What is even more amazing is that most litter is comprised of a fairly limited variety. So, here's my list and a few suggestions.

1) Cigarette butts. Please swallow them when done. I feel like I'm touching your lips every time I pick one up.

2) Snack bags. Do you realize that the half-life of a snack bag is longer than a human life? Stop eating this crap and you'll live longer in a cleaner environment.

3) Candy wrappers. Eat all of the candy you want. My brother is a dentist and he could use the business, but please stick the wrapper in you pocket and let your dog sniff it when you get home.

4) Hostess Twinkie, Ho-Ho, Cupcake, and any thing with a creme or fruit filling wrappers. Have you ever read what is in them? Your first clue should be the way they spell "creme". It's not really cream. It's an emulsion of chemicals they had leftover after making window caulk. Is that what you're doing? Caulking your pie hole?

5) Soft drink bottles. If you're thirsty, drink water. When the bottle is empty, fill it up and use it again.

6) Plastic shopping bags. Instead of taking out the aforementioned items and throwing them on the ground followed by the bag, keep the bag. Then, put your trash in it and carry it to the closest receptacle.

Better yet, don't buy any of these diabetic/heart disease time bombs. Take your slimmer self to the bank and buy a CD instead.

Freekin' Flying

2009-11-14T10:46:00.006-05:00

I have not yet forgotten the trauma of my San Francisco debacle with Airtran Airlines and what do I do? I climbed aboard another aluminum flying tube with a different logo pasted to its side headed to London. This time US Airways is the culprit.

The leftovers of Tropical Depression Ida have been slowly working their way from the Gulf Coast north to the New England area. Up here, they do not call them tropical depressions. They refer to them as Noreasters. Thats' slang for it is raining and blowing like hell form the northeast. Or, in my case, it means I am sitting in a hotel for 24 hours in Philadelphia rather than my luxury suite in London next to Hyde Park.

I know US Airways is not responsible for the weather, but they are accountable for treating me like livestock riding up I-65 on a semi-trailer headed for the International Beef Packing Company outside of Logansport to become next week's deli sandwich. How can they expect me to return as a customer when they offered no notification of my flight delay, no assistance to stow my luggage from a nasty flight attendant that Julie almost decked, no options when my connection was in doubt, no chance of making my connection by having the London flight leave EARLY before its scheduled time, no reasonable effort to get me on another flight, no eye contact as they told us we'd have to wait and get on a flight a freakin' 24 hours later, and finally offering me their condolences on an 8 1/2 X 11 piece of paper that offered to put me up in an EconoSludge in ghetto-Philly..at my cost no less.

So, heads up American Airlines in February and Southwest in April. All I want is a tad more humanity, a smile, on-time arrival, a Diet Coke, and a little bit of legroom. Hold the peanuts!

Thermostat Control

2009-11-05T19:14:00.011-05:00

Who is in control of the thermostat in your abode? If you are a man, you are in control. If not, buy a skirt. No self-respecting man ever relinquishes control of the one thing that women are incapable of understanding.

Oh, I sense the ladies are not happy I could make such a claim?Well, answer these questions:

(True or False)

1) Will raising the thermostat setting by five degrees warm the house up faster?

2) Will lowering the thermostat five degrees cool the house down sooner?

3) Can you properly adjust the settings on a programmable thermostat?

4) Does it make you uncomfortable to have the house temperature set at 55 degrees during the winter when you leave town for a few days?

5) Are you going through menopause?

6) Did your husband kill ants with a magnifying glass when he was young?

Correct Answers:

1) False. The furnace can only warm the house as fast as he can "heat" you up. It takes awhile.

2) False. I think I just cooled down my wife.

3) False. You should stick to cooking, cleaning, and bringing home a paycheck. Leave the technical stuff to your hubby.

4) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a noise? Same concept. If you don't get it, leave the thermostat alone!

5) It depends. If you have messed with the thermostat in the last 24 hours, you are in menopause.

6) If so, he understands thermo stuff. Need I say more?

Oh, BTW, the same goes for the car.

Bicycling Downtown Indy

2009-11-03T20:12:00.003-05:00

I no longer have a car of my own! When I hung it up a month ago, I turned in the keys to my "free" company car and walked home. The office is only three blocks away, but it was a one-way strut into retirement from working and having my own set of wheels.

However, I have a couple of sons who have shown me the light of living without owning a carbon dioxide-belching American icon.

My oldest, Kyle, lives in New York City where having a car is more of an inconvienence and expense that he can live without. Besides, the Metro can get you anywhere in about thirty minutes if you don't mind walking a couple of blocks to the station only to descend into a grimy subterranean and somewhat odoriferous underground. But, it works and it's cheaper than a taxi.

My other son, Joel, lives in beautiful and just as pricey San Francisco. You can get around in the Bay Area in a car as long as you do not need to park it. Parking is a sport in San Fran. You must be able to track Google Maps on your iPhone, talk to the old man(that would be me), and drive 80mph without having a high-speed collision in the morning fog. He prefers the Google Shuttle and it's free(that's my boy!)! When he needs a car, he either rents one by the hour or mooches his sweetie's wheels.

So, what am I to do in Indy? We have no subways or shuttles (unless you live in Hamilton County), but we do have IndyGo. It can take you anywhere as long as you are not in a hurry and you need to go to a suburban mall. IndyGo is an incomplete answer to Indy's urban sprawl and low population density, but I am getting off the subject. How do I get around town?

On my bike! Indy is not New York or San Fran, but just about everything you need is within a 10 minute ride on a bicycle. The streets are wide and the sidewalks are plentiful albeit illegal as I found out on a Sunday while cruising around downtown before a Colts game. I almost received two tickets from the police because I wasn't willing to play chicken in the street with a bunch of drunks driving scores of re-cycled school buses painted blue with "Go Colts" painted on the side.

Anyway, it's good exercise and it makes the neighbors giggle when I peddle by. And heaven knows, people need a reason to laugh. It's my new job.

Wi$hard Ho$pital Re-Do

2009-10-27T19:34:00.006-04:00

I'm either paranoid or I am just starting to figure out why Indianapolis proposes a major construction project just as another one comes to completion.

Case in point. Remember when the Hoosier/RCA Dome was built in the early '80's? Well, our fair Mayor Hudnut felt, and rightfully so, that Downtown Indianapolis needed a kick in the pants. So, he proactively proposed building the Dome with the enormous help of the Lilly and Krannert Foundations even though we had no promise of landing the Colts or numerous NCAA events. It cost the city less than $40 million (and a 1% restaurant tax). It was a GREAT deal. The downtown immediately began to change for the better. On the bad side, we also got the Irsay's. Mayor Hudnut also made the choice to use union labor on the condition that they promised to never strike as a tool to negotiate during its construction.

However, just like the greedy bankers in NYC, the locals saw an opportunity to squeeze a lot of cash out of the local citizens of Indianapolis. Soon after the dome, we landed the Pan Am Games in 1984. Subsequently, we built the Natatorium, the Velodrome, the Track & Field Stadium, and upgraded numerous facilities using Hunt Construction and Wilhelm Construction, the same folks who built the Dome.

In the meantime, the bonds for the Dome were being paid down rapidly by the 1% food tax, so Hudnut decided to roll them over and add onto the Convention Center. Thus, since it was connected to the Dome, the tax would not expire and Hunt, Wilhelm, and the unions had a meal ticket extension. Not to drag this out, but we soon had new buildings all over the IUPUI Campus, Conseco Arena, Lucas Oil Stadium, a new billion dollar airport terminal, and a new $300 million addition to the convention center being built on the land where the RCA Dome once stood with a $48 million debt that was built in 1980 for less than $40 million. Hmm, something stinks.

Now, we have forked over about $25 million to help a billionaire build a new hotel across the street from the convention center. So, what do all of these projects have in common? Nearly all were all built by Hunt or Wilhelm with union labor at increasingly ridiculous costs. Moreover, none of these government funded buildings pay a dime in taxes. Meanwhile, the hotel, rental car, local income, property, and food taxes have all increased dramatically as people like the Irsay's have increased their wealth. The Colts are now valued around $1 billion. Next time they threaten to leave, I'll help load the Mayflower van.

Which brings me to Wi$hard Ho$pital's proposal to build a new $700 million facility. The current building is tired and out-of-date. But, the city would be the guarantor of $600 million of new bonds. Looks like Hunt, Wilhelm, and the trade unions are going to have plenty of work. The taxpayers? They are getting lots of new debt and taxes, but we get to vote on this one.

I hope to see you at the polls on November 3rd. It's your money.

Everyday is Saturday

2009-10-21T17:43:00.004-04:00

I love Saturdays. Who in heaven's name doesn't? It is the day that you can do whatever needs to be done or more importantly what you want to do. College football (IU-ugh!), sleeping in (with my sweetie), eating breakfast out at your favorite restaurant (City Cafe'), working in the yard (Not me! I live in a condo), or driving to the place where you fell in love (Admit it. You've been there).

Well, in my current situation, I am "voluntarily retired". So, I am in the training phase of living everyday as if it is Saturday until I screw it up by doing something else. Why would I screw up Saturday? Well, it is human nature to change the status quo. So, what is Saturday when you "drop out:? Well, yesterday was the day after Friday, today is Saturday,and tomorrow will be the day before Sunday .I still feel as if two days from now it will be Monday and you all know that Monday is not a favorite of the masses. What am I to do?

Enjoy it! After 37 years of chasing the buck, I am looking for something else to spend my remaining time before the Grim Reaper comes knocking. But, before I make any rash decisions, I am not doing anything except enjoy the illusion that today is Saturday.

And I'm lovin' it!

It's Only the Beginning

2009-09-30T12:31:00.006-04:00

When you stop to think about it, you can break down your life into chunks-youth, work life, and everything else after that.

I don't remember starting my youth. I just became aware one day that I existed. There were rules, and I was breaking them. School was challenging yet things came to me with relative ease. I never had much money only to realize I had everything I needed. I guess my largest obstacle was finding my soul mate and lo and behold she arrived two months after I started to work. It may sound like I am simplifying things, but this is a blog-not a book.

At the age of twenty-one I started to really work for a living. I always had jobs, but that was just for mad money. This time it was for real. I needed to pay my own way. There wasn't a lifeline back to Mom and Dad when I was short a few bucks. It was stressful to learn a career, pay the bills, and be madly in love all at the same time. Then, before I can say "Jack Sprat", I'm married with three kids. Guys are built to take on things one at a time. That's at least four things! Once again, I'm simplifying, but that's another book.

Fast forward to today. I'm retiring this afternoon. I have handed off all of my work to others, it's 3PM, and I have two more hours to go. Come 5 o'clock, I will turn in my car keys and credit cards, but I'll hold onto my cell until it stops ringing. What now? What in the Sam Hill am I going to do with the last chunk of my life? I have some ideas like mentoring some of the kids who find it unnecessary to finish school, aka...life chunk numero uno. I will need to change my perspective from "Leave it to Beaver" to "South Park". It's a big shift from the Beav and Wally breaking a window to Kenny getting killed every week.

Should be interesting. And, it's only the beginning.

What I Live With!

2009-09-20T12:03:00.003-04:00

It was our first Sunday morning in months to relax. A morning to take it easy...lay low, goof off, do whatever! So in total relaxed form, I climbed out of bed, put on my most comfortable, scrubby clothes and found my way downstairs.

To immediately get this remark from Ted..."you look like Conway Twitty"! Followed by that dreaded Dreyer chuckle...followed by an online look-up of Conway...and sure enough...my hair is a dead match! I need a haircut...FAST!

What I live with!

So Long...Farewell... Auf Wiedersehen...Good Bye!

2009-08-11T09:11:00.007-04:00

Pardon the indulgence, but this post is about me. I've come to that moment where I'm fully cooked. Stick a fork in me. I'm done! Selling printing supplies and equipment just doesn't instill the "thrill of victory" in me anymore. The last decade in the printing supply industry overall has been more like the "agony of defeat".

Just like all industries that come and go over time, the process of putting the printed word on a piece of paper is becoming dangerous to your wealth. I do not need to tell you what technological wonders have occurred in the past twenty years. But all those innovations have diminished a wonderful business that was started by my father around the time of my earthly arrival, right smack dab in the middle of the twentieth century on July 1, 1950. That business, Modern Photo Offset Supply, has provided a wonderful lifestyle for our entire family over the last six decades. And, the company will continue to operate under my two older brothers as long as someone continues to read newspapers, clip coupons, mail Christmas cards, or ask for a brochure at Government Motors rather than checking out the website. So it's with lots of memories, lots of gratitude and lots of anticipation for what lies ahead, that my last day will be September 30th.

So what's next? Well, I want to do something else other than chase the buck to feel...fulfilled? Wanted? Needed? Necessary? Called? I have been thinking about it for awhile and two things I have always tried to do in spite of the occasional faux pas are be a good husband and father. Well, I'm out of kids and I'm already hitched to my one and only who says she's keeping me around long term despite my occasional mess-ups. So, maybe I can help some kid who doesn't have a father figure in his or her life. The new buzz word is "mentor", but that sounds like I would have all of the answers. I don't.

Nevertheless, I think I can help. Currently, only 22% of the males in IPS graduate in four years. That's disgraceful and probably a good place to start my new journey.

Twitter is Bringing Down Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

2009-06-16T21:05:00.006-04:00

The Israeli's can't do it. Obama can't do it. Who's going to take down the Middle East nuclear punk?

Twitter? Give me a break.

Armageddon must be closer than I can imagine if all of the "sticks and stones" the civilized world can throw at that twerp can't bring him down, how can a pseudo communication app that can't pay its electric bill do it?

By using your thumbs.

Comeback Wife

2009-06-07T16:38:00.004-04:00

Whenever one gets a diagnosis for the Big C, you start a journey that no one envies. First, you reel from the shock of hearing the word, cancer. Second, you start gathering enormous amounts of information about what you are going to be dealing with, only to find out that there is nothing like actually experiencing surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation.

But, what do I know? I know how much it hurts to see your lovely wife suffer. Not only did she need to endure the physical symptoms of the treatment dealt by "modern medicine", but I also witnessed the treatment sapping her energy. However, cancer treatment was no match for her drive. She might have paused to reflect on her situation, might have been a bit slow to rise in the morning after chemo, and might have taken a nap during radiation. But, she worked full-time at IU, did some consulting, made my favorite meal to let me know that I was still her "Honey", and continued to amaze her friends and family with her positive attitude.

For example, today she had an appointment for genetic testing to see if there is future risk in her extended family for breast cancer, graded papers for her graduate students, and drove to Dr. Joe, my bro the dentist, to take care of her mother who had fifteen teeth pulled. She should be home tonight by 10PM. I hope!

So, if General Motors is looking for the battery technology to power their cars in the future, they need look no farther than the mysterious energy that makes Julie's heart beat.

Things to Do in Indy on Race Weekend

2009-05-20T14:58:00.003-04:00

First, you need to decide whether you are a true race fan or did you just come along with someone else and wanted to see if Indianapolis is the cultural desert it is perceived to be by east and left coasters.

Assuming you are the former, there is a race going on somewhere every night. Try the Speedrome on South Kitley for the Figure 8 race. But, be very careful to not touch anything and make sure you are up to date on all of your vaccinations. And I am sure there will be some kind of sprint car race at Raceway Park. It is somehat safe to eat at the concession stand if your are taking Lipitor. Most importantly, go to the Speedway Museum at the IMS. It has an unbelieveable collection of not only racing cars from the 500, but contains some of rarest and most valuable classic cars of all time.

If you are not a racing fan, Indy can provide all of the cultural events you would expect from a large city. Hey, it's not New York, but when the Lilly Endowment drops millions every year to support the arts, it can be a very enjoyable to visit the IMA, IRT, IHC, or the IAG. Just in case you didn't notice everything here starts with an "I" because the only two famous people from Indiana were Abraham Lincoln and Dan Quayle. Lincoln just barely passed through on his way to Illinois and Quayle just barely passed English on his way to graduate from Depauw.

Anyway, come Saturday night, you will find yourself in a steak house clogging your arteries while smoking a cigar, at a cookout eating BBQ, or in the Coke lot next to Georgetown Road drinking whatever the guy parked next to you has in his cooler. Everyone shares because they all brought more than they could possibly drink and are tired of carrying it around. I've never spent the night in the Coke lot, but I have seen the beginning of "Slumdog Millionaire". I think they shot some of the footage at the Coke lot.

As for Race Day, dress in layers. The temperature can feel like it changes 40 degrees from the morning until the checkered flag. Plus, there is always a threat of rain so pack a 55 gallon trash bag. When it rains at the Speedway all humanity ceases to exists. You won't care what you look like. You just want to stay dry and warm. Believe me. The trash bag works.

You also need to plan your food for race day. It's a long day, so eat a good breakfast and pack three sanwiches, two candy bars, your favorite chip snacks, cheese sticks, six chocolate chip cookies, four beverages, handy wipes, 30 SPF sunscreen, and wet paper towels to clean up the bird droppings off of your seat. This list has been perfected over the past five decades. It works!

One last thing. Do not cheer for Helio Catroneves. He should be in prison for cheating on his taxes.

Enjoy the race!

Famous Thieves

2009-04-28T14:43:00.004-04:00

The Grinch stole Christmas.

John Dillinger robbed banks.

Bernie Madoff "made off" with billions from stockholders.

Somali pirates hijack ships.

CONgress appropriates trillions.

Marcus Schrenker ransacked annuities.

Helio Castroneves diverted $5 million to avoid income taxes.

Robert Irsay swiped his father's business and spirited the Colts away form Baltimore.

And finally, Jimmy Irsay has looted the City of Indianapolis of millions and he is going to keep it.

If Indy Could Deport Individuals....

2009-04-19T10:46:00.011-04:00

It would start with the following...

Bart Peterson, Former Mayor

He has brought the city to its financial knees building structures for millionaires. Not only could we not afford to build them, it is apparent now that we cannot even maintain them. He argued that these venues would bring mucho bucko's to downtown Indy. Now, we are faced with additional taxes that will eventually end up in the pockets of millionaires like Jimmy Irsay, assorted Pacers & Colts who leave town with their cash when the season is over, billionaires Mel and Herb Simon, and all of the local contractors that so freely contribute a portion of their spoils back to the political parties.

Pat Bauer, Speaker of the House

Hey Pat, you were not elected Emperor. You job is to run an orderly legislative session. It was not to prevent good legislation from ever coming up for a vote by our duly elected representatives. And, Pat, I know you're from Notre Dame country, but please buy yourself a better rug for your Golden Dome.

What were you thinking when you tried to scam the IRS out of paying taxes on $5 million? You were popular, the public loved you, and you had plenty of cash left over after tax to live a life of luxury. Somehow, you beat the rap, but this taxpayer is no longer a fan. Go back to Brazil and may your right rear tire always go flat.

Bob Gregory (Channel 13), Stan Wood (Ch-8), Bob McClain (Ch-6), Chuck Lofton (Ch-13), Randy Ollis (Ch-8), Cliff Nicholson (anyone), Jude Redfield (Ch-13), Chris Wright (Ch-59, 13), Steve Bray (Ch-8), Kevin Gregory (Ch-6), Paul Poteet (Ch-6), and any other smiley optimist male who has ever tried to forecast the weather in NapTown. If I have to listen to a dismal weather forecast for Indy, let it come from a cutie like Angela, Nicole, or Crystal.

Why You Should Have A Will

2009-04-11T07:39:00.003-04:00

Twelve years ago Conseco Executive Vice-President and General Counsel, Lawrence Inlow, died tragically as he walked into the business end of helicopter rotor. Seems he felt that his time was so valuable, driving to the airport from his office up in Carmel was a terrible waste of time.

Anyway, Mr. Inlow was a very wealthy man at the time to the tune of $180 million buckaroos. One would think Mr. Inlow, being an attorney of such largess, would have all of his affairs in order. Well, he didn't. Mr. Inlow did NOT have a will. Seems that his estate has been a series of lawsuits between his ex-wife, widow, and children from both marriages. The last item is about which half of his family has to pay for his $284,000 private mausoleum. I wonder if it has a flat-screen TV?

As a result, a large undetermined chunk of his estate has been squandered on attorney fees not to mention the value of his Conseco stock evaporated during all of the litigation.

So, for the sake of your loved ones, make your wishes known in a properly written and witnessed will. And Julie is channeling through me right now saying you also need a living will and a duly-appointed medical power of attorney! The cost is nominal and should you need any beneficiaries please leave a comment with your contact information. I will be in touch.

Where's Bert?

2009-03-23T19:24:00.004-04:00

And by the way, just who in Heaven's name is Bert? Heaven is not where she is from, but it is where she is going. I have the privilege of knowing Bert through my work...she is a customer of mine, working to order supplies for Indiana's maximum security prison near Terre Haute, Indiana.

Bert reminds me of the angel in "It's a Wonderful Life". Remember Jimmy Stewart trying to solve everyone's troubles and helping anyone who was going through a tough time? Well, he was merely a human and he needed help. That is when the "Big Guy" sent an awkward angel down to earth to give Jimmy a hand. The angel was trying to earn his wings and do you remember how you knew an angel had earned its wings? It was whenever you heard a bell ring.

The difference is Bert just wants to help for the pure joy of helping others. If you looked up "Christian" in Webster's Dictionary, you would see Bert's picture. She defines what it is to be unselfish. She always thinks of others before herself. Why? She's a Christian. I'd like to say there is more to it than that, but there isn't. She just has the most steadfast faith and expresses it with all of her heart.

As for me, I am one lucky person. You see, Bert has prayed for me, my wife, my grandchildren, and countless others. What a blessing. Oh, just by coincidence, Bert's last name is Bell.

We miss your comments, Bert. They lift everyone who reads them.

Something is Always Broken

2009-03-19T12:49:00.004-04:00

Only once in my adult life did I not own something that was broken. That brief moment would be when I had just graduated from college and moved out of my parents' house. I also, coincidentally, did not own anything except my RCA stereo and a B & W Phillips television with rabbit ears. Life was simple. Then, my old man talked me into buying a house. Need I say any more?

I started by replacing the roof, painting the entire house inside and out, and hanging wallpaper in the kitchen which my smart ass little brother noticed had been hung upside down. Shut up! No one will notice. I'm not doing it over. Next, was the A/C. It was too hot in the house to make out with my future wife. So, I called up Love Heating and Air Conditioning to install central air. The A/C worked fine, but it was still too hot to make out. Hubba! Hubba!

Anyway, I'm getting off the subject. I have been a wonderful consumer over the past 37 years and have come to realize that most "things" have a shelf life of about 7 to 10 years before they break, self-destruct, or just aren't worth the effort to take care of anymore. You name it. I've bought it, broken it, fixed it, and replaced it.

Today, I have come full circle. I am having my A/C replaced by Love Heating and Air Conditioning because my older unit gave up after seven years. However, the goal isn't to cool down the kissing. It's her hot flashes.

It's not Personal. It's Just Business.

2009-03-09T19:58:00.004-04:00

Ever heard that before? Well, AskIndyTed just got the business end of a stick stuck up my "you know what". Yesterday, Eastman Kodak Company terminated the company my father started in 1950 as a reseller of their products. Kodak also terminated twenty-three other closely-held small dealerships like us across the USA. They have decided to market their goodies through "Big Box" companies. The decision to whack us was made by upper management. Hey, it's "just business".

Well, the Meek's small business was started with $5,000 borrowed from a man who baked pies for a living. He was grateful for the nursing care my mother gave to his wife who was dying from cancer during World War II. He loaned the money to my father with a handshake. He trusted my Dad would pay him back. That's "personal".

My father built the business into a successful enterprise with Kodak as his flagship product line. The partnership was a win-win for both companies. Kodak was a wonderful company because they developed "personal" relationships with all of their resellers. We pointed with pride to our Kodak partnership as "bleeding yellow".

That success made it affordable for my father to send all six of his children to college. It was something he was denied due to the war and the Great Depression. He was a proud papa when we all graduated. It made it possible for me to do the same for my three sons and my wife as well, through her 3 degrees.

But, the last decade has been a mess. Kodak has been unraveling as they have tried to convert from a film-based company to a digital-imaging company. Translated, that means moving from a very profitable business model to a huge money-sucking vacuum. Meanwhile, the management team at Kodak has been completely replaced with people whose history at the company probably spans less than five years and they have very skillfully driven the stock price down to $2 per share. Bleeding yellow is a forgotten culture. Can you believe this...our customers found out and called us before Kodak did..how's that for class?

What could be the problem? Evidently, someone in Rochester thinks small independently-owned companies must be the problem. So they sent out the order to shoot 'em all!

Now, I take that "personal".

Eating Well for a Week in a Recession

2009-03-08T20:09:00.003-04:00

Did we cook? No. Did we go out? Yes, once with friends and once with a coupon. The rest of our food was given to us by long-time friends. As you all know, my wife has cancer. People want to help and there is no better way than to make you comfort food.

They not only brought us food, the brought us the type of food that has a story. Brenda Rittenhouse brought us the chili her mother taught her how to make when her Mom was sick with breast cancer. And the pretzel dessert, chocolate chip cookies and fruit bouquet were fab.

Marilyn & Julio Fernandez invited us to dinner. I am sure she thought of her parents. They both died of cancer and she just wanted us to feel loved. Marilyn, mission accomplished.

Jim and Julie Freeman made us a chicken dish that was frozen. It's still frozen. It won't be by Tuesday. You can't eat everything hot out of the oven. Some things need to wait, but friendship never does. Thanks, Julie. Jim, I know you can't cook. But, you are married to a sweet lady.

Roxanne made us meatball soup. I love meatballs! It is a family specialty. Did your family sneak the recipe across the border? Just kiddin'. We've had it twice and there is enough for one more round. I'm eating it before the Mrs. comes downstairs tomorrow.

As for the recession? Screw it. We're well fed and well loved. That's good enough!!

Can You Afford It?

2009-03-07T16:18:00.006-05:00

Alright, I'm back from vacation and I had a tough re-entry. I'm a bit grouchy. So, if you're under 18 years of age, get lost!

I am sick of hearing about people who are on the verge of losing their homes. I do not mean to sound mean, but some of these folks should have never been allowed to buy a house in the first place. Since when is it the United States government's responsibility to bail out homeowners who cannot make payments on time. Excuse me for being surly, but if you have not made any contingency plans for unemployment, medical crisis, getting clobbered by an uninsured motorist under the influence, and any other unfortunate everyday occurrence of modern day living, start packing your stuff.

Never take on a debt unless:
1) You can afford it. All of your monthly debt payments should not exceed 35% of your gross income.
2) You have SIX months of income stashed away in a savings account. Oh, you have no savings? Rent something or move in with your family. That is, if you're invited.
3) You have a rich aunt who really, really likes you.
4) You just purchased the winning Power Ball ticket.
5) You expect Obama to be President for the term of your loan.

Grow up America. It has been an entire generation since we've had a recession and it is time for individuals to take responsibility for their actions. Read the contract before you sign it. Then, pay up on time!

I Will Be on Vacation

2009-02-18T18:02:00.002-05:00

It doesn't happen often, but I am leaving town and going on vacation for an entire week. Hot Damn! I will be somewhere warm where my cell doesn't work which is even better.

So, I'll be back the 27th. I will be hoping for global warming to bring an early spring upon my return. Until then.....

I'm out!

Two Good Things for Tough Times

2009-02-10T19:43:00.005-05:00

There was a bunch of miserable news today and there is no reason to repeat it here.

However, my day started wonderfully and ended on a rather high visual note. I woke up this morning around 5:30AM with a plan to get an early start to work in Terrible Haute. That wasn't the highlight.

While lying in bed trying to wake up, my sweetie took hold of my hand. Then she rubbed my head. Then she held me and.....I got up for my shower. Hey, I'm 58 and she is getting chemo. We need to pace ourselves! But, it was a very nice and very quick hour just lying there with my Valentine. Hint, hint, just in case you forgot...get it in gear for your sweetie.

The rest of my day was a drag. it was the kind of day you would expect on the eve of the next Great Depression, thanks to all of the irresponsible money-grubbing low-life's that collect bonuses in the name of capitalism. Maybe Karl Marx was onto something.

Not to be totally discouraged, I arrived home to take my loyal dog, Wrigley, out for his daily constitutional, when I saw today's mail. It was the annual, just-after-the-Super Bowl, what-makes-the-winter-warmer, undeniably the best issue of print in the free world-The SI Swimsuit Issue! And, after inspecting it for editorial integrity, it is an all-time, hubba-hubba issue. My goodness, are there really that many girls that really look like that? There aren't in Indiana-except for one.

That would be the girl I met 37 years ago and she was rubbing my head this morning.

Hair

2009-02-08T17:13:00.004-05:00

I am married to a beautiful woman. She also happens to be smart, personable, loving, charming, engaging, entrepreneurial, energetic, caring, and most importantly understanding...after all, she happens to live with a somewhat perplexing man which would happen to be me.

She also happens to have breast cancer. That in itself is quite an ordeal. Well, I'm experiencing my own side effects. How effective would a solar cell be without the sun? Well, she is my sunshine, it has been cloudy, and my batteries are a bit on the low side.

This week, she began to lose her hair. I've known this was going to happen for over a month, but it actually happened this weekend. We have "debated" the length and style of her locks for nearly four decades. My preference has always been the longer the better. Like most women her preference has always been for short, cute, and quick to style. We've normally compromised for something in between. As of today, it's gone until the Colts blow another Super Bowl opportunity.

Isn't it silly for me to fret about hair when she is fighting cancer? You can bet your sweet bippy it is. Nevertheless, I am human and my wife's hair is one of my major weaknesses.

So I'm sorry, but when I look at her tonight..all I can think of is "Cha-cha-cha-Chia"! If the stores haven't yet sold out their Christmas inventory of Chia Pets, and I paste those little seeds on her head, do you think her head will be covered faster?

"What? Me Worry?"

2009-02-03T15:23:00.004-05:00

Those are the famous words of Alfred E. Newman from MAD magazine back in 60's. You see, that's what most people did back then and Alfred was the clueless cartoon character who didn't worry. Hey, it was bred into my psyche at a very young age. My first memory of grade school was getting my polio vaccination. My mother was worried I could end up like my best friend who lived four doors away from us. He was paralyzed below his waist from "infantile paralysis". That sounds serious to a kid even if you don't understand what it means.

Eventually, she also told me of her oldest brother who died of diphtheria as a baby, her sister of tuberculosis, and my grandmother of a kidney infection before I was born. The Korean War had just ended, the Vietnam War had just started, the Russians were going to bury us, and my car had no seat belts and a steel dashboard. I was convinced there was no way I would live to my 18th birthday!

My future brightened around the time I flunked my draft physical, met my lifetime sweetheart, bought a house, started a family, and thrived during a couple of recessions that in some ways were actually worse than our current downturn. Besides, Alfred didn't worry. Why should I?

Looking back now, what I avoided scares the bejabbers out of me. There is no need to detail all of the events. There is no reason to give any ideas to my grandchildren.

Let's just say the angels and the good Lord were busy looking after me and my own.

Indy Comes Up a Little Short...Duh!

2009-01-28T14:17:00.002-05:00

When the Capital Improvements Board (a semi-autonomous entity that spends a lot of money without government oversight) built Conseco Fieldhouse, Lucas Oil Stadium, and the Indiana Convention Center it's hard to imagine that they could not know that the cost of building larger structures would carry higher costs. Well, the bills are coming in and they have underestimated the maintenance costs by $43 million. That's not what the total cost is. That's just the shortfall in the annual budget.

Now, the Pacers want the same deal as the Colts. They want to stop paying anything to use Conseco and keep all of the revenue. That would be an additional $15 million on top of the current $43,000,000.

I still say we should break the contract with the Colts, let the contract with the Pacers expire, drain the pipes, turn off the heat, and fill them up with corn.

Bonus Paychecks

2009-01-27T13:40:00.004-05:00

It seems like all I've been reading about in the WSJ is how much my investments have been going down while all of the folks touching my money are making incomes that make mine feel "Smurf-like". This is spite of the fact that the market is down nearly 50% over the past year and a half. The "average" Merrill Lynch employee made $247K in 2008 while the company lost $41,000,000,000. That's a bunch of zeros to the left of the decimal point. Anyway, John Thain, the Merrill CEO, decided to slip in $4 billion of bonuses before the end of the year just before the new owners, Bank of America, could take control of the firm. Meanwhile, the average Bank of America employee squeaked by on $80K. Needless to say, the folks in Charlotte could care less for the greedy SOB's in New York City.

All of this is being made possible by you, the taxpayer. Our government has pumped over a trillion dollars ($1,000,000,000,000-more zeros) into the financial system and a bunch of it is going the goombas that screwed it up. They should be taking cuts in their base pay just like the UAW members will soon experience once Congress is done picking their bones.

Here's the skinny from my small business perspective. If you are paid an annual income by your company and you produce more revenue the following year, your income should increase. If you produce less revenue, you should earn less. And, in no uncertain terms should you expect ANY bonus if you still have your job.

The time has come for everyone to get a reality check and getting a few less bucks for poor performance is a good start. Even in New York City.

Two Things That Take Some Time

2009-01-12T19:04:00.005-05:00

One would be the time it takes to have a child. The other would be the treatment for "The Big C".

As you most are all aware of by now is that my wife has cancer. She will start a regime of chemotherapy and radiation in the next couple of weeks. Thirty-two years ago we were beginning a family. Both should take less than a year, but her treatments will seem longer.

There are a lot of parallels to experiencing both. You start off with a cell or two, do some magic with the DNA, add a blood supply, and your lives change.

We won't have showers this time, but angels (both on earth and in heaven) will provide us with whatever we need. Our friends and family will pray for us just like they did when our three sons were on the way. Most likely, we will hug each other and cry from time to time when we wish it is next summer.

And, we will hold and comfort each other just like we always have.

Undoing Christmas

2009-01-05T16:16:00.004-05:00

I'm a bit of a grouch. I admit it. If it was against the law, I'd be serving time. But, it's not. Therefore, I blog when I'm in "the mood". Like yesterday, it was the dreaded day to undecorate the house.

Last month, I was spared most of the decorating ordeal when the Mrs. commissioned new decor for the tree and fireplace including installation and setup. And, I must admit, the tree and fireplace were stunning! I did help drag out all of the boxes and other decorations which she displayed around the house including her Dickens Village in the dining room. We were now poised for shopping, cleaning, setup for "TheMeekTwins" and numerous runs to the airport which is now 5 miles farther away, but I'll save that for another blog.

That gets us up to December 21st, so let me fast forward to January 4th. If you need the details between those dates check out "TheMeekTwins" and "JuliesPinkLink" blogs.

We're tired! But, whatever goes up must come down. Fortunately, we had the help of Cathy and her hubby, George (pictured) who originally beautifully created and set up our decorations. After they expertly helped pack the delicate stuff and the Anaconda (the garland aptly named by Cathy due to its length and girth) was entombed under the guest bed, we had used enough of their day, so thanked them for this blessing and sent them on their way. But we still had our own miniature version of Gaza City left to clean up. By now, my back, neck, shoulder, and hip were screaming at me. I dared not to ask how my lady felt since she was just six days post-op.

Never to be deterred from finishing, she pressed on and I tried to stay in her draft. I'm not kidding. She is a beast when a task is to be finished and she had set a deadline of today. If I had stopped, I would likely have ended up in a plastic storage container in the closet not to be found until the next Yuletide season. But, we persevered until we were finished.

And I heard her exclaim with the boxes out of sight, "Let's get your buns upstairs and turn out the lights!"

Recovering

2009-01-03T07:26:00.002-05:00

The haze in my brain is clearing-slowly. It seems the last I remember was Julie saying, "We need to set up the tree". Everything after that is just a blur.

I was dealing with the everyday issues at work when Julie called me saying that she was going to have some additional tests after her annual mammogram. Shortly afterward, every conversation contained the "C" word. Time Out! I want instant replay!

After further review, the play stands as called. Play ball!

No need to feed you all of the details. That's on Julie's blog: www.juliespinklink.blogspot.com

As for my recovery from the past month I just need a diversion. How about the Pacers and IU basketball (Ha!). No, I am going to fall back to the old standby. Snuggle up with the little lady in front of the fireplace sharing a bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching a flick. Sweet!

Breast Cancer

2008-12-18T19:28:00.005-05:00

Did you ever see the award-winning "Band of Brothers" on HBO a couple of years ago? In one episode the GI's are dug into their foxholes while they are being shelled by the German artillery during the winter in the Battle of the Bulge. There was nothing they could do except pray that one of the shells did not land in their respective foxhole. It was horrific even on the small screen.

The Mrs. and I have commented numerous times how blessed we are to have avoided the numerous things that happen to other people while we escape with a scratch here and bruise there.

Well, one of the shells just landed in our foxhole. She went in for her annual mammogram last week and things did not look normal. After a biopsy it was confirmed that she has breast cancer. We are now in the discovery phase of what her subsequent treatment will be. Fortunately, we have discovered it early which gives her a variety of options for treatment, but I suspect we are going to have another one of those character-building journeys.

Medic!

For updates, check out Julie's blog here.

Big 3 Dilemma

2008-12-13T17:07:00.002-05:00

All of the players in the Big 3 crisis are doing their jobs. The execs are spinning a story they hope will convince Congress to come up with enough cash to keep them out of bankruptcy until they need another handout. Mr. Gettelfinger, who by the way is a native Hoosier, is trying his best to preserve what his UAW members have received over the past 60 years, which is too much. And, our dutiful elected officials in D.C. are trying to squeeze anything out of the whole process which will enrich them or their constituents to get themselves re-elected.

I think it is time they "stop" doing their job and "start" doing what the right thing. Do not be so greedy and save the economy from a calamity. Just fix it!

Best Pizza in Indy

2008-12-08T20:53:00.005-05:00

Bazbeaux? Nope.
Uno? You have to be kidding me.
Donato's? I wouldn't feed it to my dog.
Dominos? Industrial waste.
Pizza King? Inspiration for the Frisbee.
Pizza Hut? Buy it only if you own the stock.

Who makes the best pizza? It is someplace you probably never heard of, but it's been in Indy for over forty years. They don't advertise. They don't have coupons. They don't deliver. They have a bad location for a pizza place, and they have no parking lot.

Still wondering?

Maria's Pizza.

Absolutely no contenders. Best crust. Best cheese. Best toppings. And, they are located in Fountain Square just northeast of the fountain.

But, the best thing they do is make every pizza just for you. They treat you like a member of the family. They not only care about your business, they care about you. When you order your second pizza, they will know you. Try it. You'll be hooked.

One-way vs. Two-way Streets in Indy

2008-12-08T16:37:00.003-05:00

It sounds like the city planners are starting to mess with more changes (Heaven forbid!) in Indianapolis. I guess the nice thing is that it won't cost the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars. Changing a few one-way streets into two-way streets will primarily be the cost of re-lining the streets and making the stop signs face both ways (kind of like a moderate politician).

What would we possibly gain by doing such a heinous act? Why not find out? Let's try something different to grow our downtown other than handing out millions of tax subsidies to corporations which pay less than their fair share of the property taxes.

I am not an urban planner, but let me at least reflect on what I do know from living in this city for 58 years. When I was a squirt running around downtown in the '50's, the sidewalks were packed with people. We had a vibrant shopping district that had the finest of everything. It was actually exciting to be downtown even if you didn't have any money. I know because all I had when I left home was enough bus fare to get there and back home.

On the other hand, Indy had a bunch of traffic and interstates did not exist. so, the planners came up with the idea of re-directing a bunch of streets one-way north, south, east and west. It worked. Everyone could get home to the burbs in less than a half hour. Of course, back then Broad Ripple was the north end of the city, Irvington was the east, the Speedway was the west, and Southern Plaza was way, way south of town. Eventually, the interstates were built in the late '70's and things downtown have been gradually dying ever since. People have moved farther and farther from downtown to the point where a very low percentage live or work in Center Township. Hence, our tax base is a mess.

So, what would two-way streets do to help? What I do know is that whenever I visit my oldest son in New York City he shows me unbelievably expensive residences located on two-way streets. When I visit my #2 son in San Francisco, he shows me the same. By the way, they both rent. Neither can afford to buy. But, they love living there. There are shops, restaurants, and entertainment surrounding them in all directions within walking distance.

Furthermore, how many times have you found it necessary to give confusing directions to someone you are trying to meet at St. Elmo's which is on one-way north street Illinois but they are headed south on Capitol, but miss the turn to one-way east on Maryland and need to turn back north on on one-way Delaware to get to...

See what I mean.

Pessimism vs. Optimism vs. Faith

2008-11-20T20:01:00.002-05:00

My father was an optimist. He always felt that you could accomplish whatever you wanted to achieve. My father-in-law was a pessimist. He raised a family during the deepest part of the Great Depression and felt until his dying day that the world was in for a day of reckoning. They were both very smart men and they were both right.

Now, we are confronted with one of the most difficult times, economically, of the last 80 years. Things are literally falling apart when it comes to our home values, IRA's, 401K's, and the value of anything we have always thought was going to be the ticket to our financial security.

So, what do you do? I've been watching a lot of CNBC, reading the WSJ, and checking the value of my retirement accounts on the Internet. It's all out of my control and it's like I'm watching a movie reel in slow motion that I can't stop from playing to the end I don't want to watch.

Or, should I just have "faith" that everything is going to be OK?

Maybe, I should.

It's Starting to Rain

2008-11-07T19:09:00.007-05:00

Remember how your parents told you to save money for a rainy day? Well, it has started to pour.

If you haven't started to save-start!
If you haven't eliminated unnecessary spending-cut! cut! cut!
If you aren't giving your employer your best efforts-begin tomorrow!
If you want something you do not really need-forget it and donate the money instead!
If you really need something-buy it! The economy needs your business.

Most of all, take care of the ones you love and they will take care of you...even on a rainy day!

Hand Guns

2008-11-04T15:24:00.003-05:00

I read in the newspaper today about another senseless killing of a young man and the wounding of his brother on the near northside of Indy. Evidently, it was some type of dispute over a young woman. I don't know the details, but was the dispute worth someone's life?

What made this one different was that both boys were my next door neighbor's sons. The son killed was 27 years old. Now, his mother and father are spending this afternoon with friends and family grieving over a loss that takes my breath from my chest at the thought of ever having to experience such a tragedy.

I know the gun advocates will just bristle at the thought of another softie like me thinking that guns are responsible for this murder, but wouldn't things have been a lot better if these guys had just duked it out in the front yard until someone had a bloody nose, called each other some names, and then sulked back to their homes? No, I guess they think guns make 'em tougher.

I'll tell you what the perpetrators are. They're cowards. Oh, by the way, they are also in jail now for a long, long time. Now, they're going to find out what tough really is...soon enough.

So, on the day that our nation is going to elect a new president which more than likely will be Mr. Obama, may he not only change the way our nation exerts its power on misbehaving nations, but may he also take away some of the unnecessary force available to our youth.

Now, that would be about "change".

Wrigley Goes for a Walk

2008-11-02T07:45:00.005-05:00

It was gorgeous outside yesterday! So, I invited the Mrs. and Wrigley, our Westie, to go for a walk. We took the Lockerbie route with the hope that there would be enough leaves on the ground. My lovely loves to walk through the leaves in the fall. But, the season is arriving late and the leaves are hanging on for at least another week.

We then took a left onto Mass Ave. It doesn't matter which route we take. It always eventually ends up going by the Starbucks. Mrs. AskIndyTed loves her tea and Wrigley likes the activity outside whether it has two (humans), four (dogs), or six (bugs) legs. I've never seen him go for a spider (eight), yet.

Anyway, there is a little shaded park just outside with a brick wall to sit on while you enjoy your beverage. That's when Chandice, a retired lady with bright red hair who lives above Starbucks in an apartment, walked up. She loves Wrigley. I know why. You can't keep from smiling when you see him. She lives alone and for whatever reason, Wrigley lights her up. We were soon caught up in conversation about the election and downtown churches. You know you are in for some conversation when Chandice shows up.

Meanwhile, I kept Wrigs on the leash so he wouldn't wander off during our chat when a homeless man stopped about 20 feet away. I normally try to avoid any interaction with the homeless. I am uncomfortable denying requests for anything from money to bus fare, so I just avoid making eye contact. Well, Dr. Wriggleby has no such limitations to prospective friendships. So, he walked right up to the man and gave him "the look". You know. It's the one that cute little dogs give you. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the man asked me if he could offer some of his dinner to Wrigley. It was nothing special. It was some kind of cake in a box. But, it was "his" dinner and he wanted to share it with Wrigs.

I was touched. Here I have the means to help him and he is offering his food to my dog. This Thanksgiving, I will be thinking of him and giving thanks for all of my blessings. I have many.

The Three Little Pigs & the Bailout

2008-10-30T15:41:00.002-04:00

I hope everyone's parents read the story of the "Three Little Pigs" while you were in PJ's. If they didn't, you probably are homeless by now . If they did, I hope you paid attention to the moral of the story and avoided the fate of the "Big Bad Wolf".

Now, with the help of numerous schemes by brokers, bankers, and politicians to get folks into houses that they couldn't afford we are now faced with very uncertain economic times.

Never fear little piggies. It's an election year! It makes no difference whether your house is built from straw, sticks, or bricks. Nor is it important what you paid for it or even if you could afford it in the first place. The Feds are going to save your little wiggly butts from the Big Bad Wolf.

And who do you think is going to pay for all of it?

Everyone else.

McCain or Obama?

2008-10-23T16:41:00.003-04:00

Everyone is so sure who should be the next President. Well, I'm not so sure. My vote drifts back 'n forth almost daily. I have two sons and my wife firmly in the O+ group and I have a daughter-in-law firmly in the MC squared camp. The east coast media comprised of all of the networks and the NY Times love Obama while the WSJ and conservative radio talk shows feel that McCain is the only one with the experience to lead the nation.

I think O+ and Mc2 are both credible individuals who have pressed the flesh and taken money from every special interest group on the planet. So, do they really represent who they are or what the money wants them to be? That's my dilemma.

Who will lead our country out of this economic mess and two front war that is draining our ability to be the vital leader of the free world? Who would want the job in the first place? Do you really have to be that vain knowing you will be despised by half of the people all of the time?

I'm on the fence and quite honestly I'm tired of thinking about it.

Aunts & Uncles

2008-10-16T16:17:00.003-04:00

I just found out today that my Aunt G passed away. I was made aware a couple of weeks ago that she was not doing well and that if I wanted to see her I had better do it soon. Well, I got busy, distracted, or just forgetful. But, today I just felt that needed to be a priority, so I headed down to Greenwood to see her during my lunch hour.

Serendipitously, upon arriving at the front desk of Greenwood Village, the receptionist was the wife of the gentleman who got me over the hump in the sales game. Her mother, Ann, who is now 98, was my sons' babysitter back in the '80s. Then Dr. Hardin, who also in his '90s, walked in the door. I was surrounded by people I hadn't seen in years. That's when I found out that Aunt G had passed away that morning. I was late again. Dang it.

I was blessed to have a plethora of Aunts and Uncles. And, they were all very smart. They were a reflection of mainstream America. They all grew up during the Great Depression...hopefully the last one. Some served in World War II, others ran successful small businesses, two of them were nurses which seems to run in the family, and one of them took on the responsibility as head of the family when my grandparents died too young. They were all incredibly reliable when it came time to help out a family member. It was something my parents always did and now I know why. It was something they all accepted. Take care of your family even if they drive you nuts some of the time.

So, forgive me Aunt G for not coming to see you sooner. I'm sure you already have.

Three Things That Went "Thud" Last Week

2008-10-07T14:47:00.003-04:00

There were three events last week that all made a resounding "THUD". One was O.J. Simpson's jaw as the jury read the verdict "Guilty" even if it was thirteen years late.

Second was Chicago baseball. You never expect the White Sox to do much. They actually win a series every fifty years. But, the Cubbies just can't finish a season. They broke my heart in 1969 and I will never forgive them. I haven't been able to watch an entire game since. They suck!

Third, were my retirement accounts. I do not know if the next Great Depression is at our doorstep, but it doesn't look promising. When I purchased my first car in 1966, it was better looking than it actually ran, much like the economy in 2007. My car required a quart of oil every week to keep running just like our economy needed sub-prime mortgages to maintain growth. Since I was in school and had very little income I was soon driving on four bald tires with no spare just like the economy was living on low-interest-rate adjustable mortgages with no chance of ever being repaid.

Well, the good Lord must have been watching over me. I didn't crash or even have the first flat tire for nearly three years. I eventually purchased a new car. Our economy has not been quite as fortunate and it has more than a flat tire and a sick engine. It's hemorrhaging and we can't find the bleeder. I even heard Jim Cramer of CNBC's "Mad Money" last night telling the world to salt away enough cash to last the next five years. How long was the last depression?

Anyway, when I was young, my only fears were being told "No!" when I asked a girl for a date and flunking out of college and getting drafted. Now, I'm too old to be drafted and since I've been married 34 years, "No" has a completely different meaning.

I think I'll just stop reading the newspaper and enjoy my grandchildren.

Michael Bloomberg for Dictator of the U.S.A.

2008-09-22T15:42:00.005-04:00

Calm down. I haven't totally flipped out-yet. However, I had the pleasure of watching Michael Bloomberg being interviewed on "Meet the Press". I was quite impressed with his grasp of the current financial crisis. He gets it. You ask, what makes him so smart?

It's not that he is smarter than everyone. There are a lot of smart people in Washington, DC. However, unlike most of our elected officials, he is virtually unaffected by special interests. He's rich and he doesn't need their money. Hence, he can speak his mind and tell it like it is.

As for the dictator part, I really like democracy with the checks and balances in our government, but congress has sold out. They need to get out of the way.

Check out the interview (after the frigging commercial).

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/26819490#26819490

Credit Crunch

2008-09-17T15:04:00.002-04:00

Everyone should know by now that I am an old fart. That qualifies me as one of those "I told you so" people with respect to the current credit crisis the world is enduring.

You can blame the Democrats, Republicans, unscrupulous mortgage lenders, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernake, Bush (pick one or more), Bill Clinton, the investment bankers, or just the stupid people who signed all of the documents at closing without reading them, let alone doing the math on their own to determine that they could actually NOT afford their home for the term of the loan.

Well, I'm laying the bulk of the blame on spreadsheets. Spreadsheets?!! I know you think I've lost it, but people never used to borrow too much money to buy a home because you never really knew what you could afford. The rule of thumb was NEVER have a payment exceeding 25% of you monthly net pay or NEVER borrow more than twice your annual gross income. If you forgot, the bank reminded you as they gleefully loaned you the money for anywhere form 8% to as high as 18% in the early '80's. You must be thinking, who would buy a home at those rates? You're right. No one or very few did because people could not afford it...that is until Lotus 1-2-3 invented the spreadsheet in the early '90's. The housing market exploded!

Suddenly, lenders thought they could loan more money at lower rates and borrowers thought they could handle larger mortgages. Wrong and Wrong. Somewhere in the 20 to 30 years of a loan, sh.. happens and you have to have enough of a reserve fund to handle it. Hence, here we are today. Everyone was feeding like pigs in a trough. Of course, you all know where pigs end up.

Live within your means, save 10% of your income, keep six months of income in an emergency fund (not part of your savings),and be glad you live in the U.S.A., that is at least until we sell the naming rights to a foreign country that holds all of the U.S Treasury Bonds. Let's see, where will we put the sign? Ah, I got it...on the forehead of the Statue of Liberty!

Bigger is not Necessarily Better

2008-09-11T14:31:00.005-04:00

I need to make a confession. I went to the "Oil Can" or the "Luke" for the first NFL regular season game for the Colts. My bro called at the last minute with a ticket and I was "weak".

I have to admit that upon walking up to the structure, I was a bit awed at how immense it was. In terms of sheer mass, it is the largest building I have ever seen up close. When I stepped inside, it was like walking through the back of the wardrobe in "The Chronicles of Narnia" except that it was full of rednecks instead of turtlenecks. Anyway, it was HUGE!

However, after I slapped my lower jaw back into place, I began to see what was not so wonderful about Indy's new $720 million boondoggle:
1)Finding my seat (which are all biggie-sized to accommodate the average Colts' fan) was not easy. I should have left a trail of bread crumbs to find my way out.
2)I noticed the players were smaller. Actually, they are twice as far away as in the RCA Dome. I could barely see the numbers and I was only half way up in the stands. 3)The men's room was not meeting capacity, as there was a long line vs. no line for the women. The architect must have been a chick with a small bladder.
4)Fan noise was less due to the roof being open but it did not seem to affect the sound level of the commercials that were blasted during timeouts. Conversation was nearly impossible.

Plus, the Colts got their butts kicked 29-13. On the plus side, I did get a inaugural game souvenir cup. I'm putting it on Ebay.

"For Better or For Worse"

2008-08-31T13:00:00.002-04:00

You have all heard the phrase and a lot of you have repeated it yourself (hopefully, only once) at a wedding. But, it is also the title of my favorite comic strip which has been published daily over the past 29 years. Unlike most comic strips, the characters are based on the real life family members of the writer, Lynn Johnston, and all have aged in real time.

And to peak my interest, the (Patterson) family members' ages parallel those of my own. Thus, our families have experienced many of the same joys, sorrows, disappointments, and successes together over the past three decades. Whatever you could imagine that could happen to a family was there to be read daily in the funnies. Reading the daily postings of the Patterson family provided me "comic" relief to know that what I was living wasn't all that unusual.

People fell in & out of love, babies were born, kids grew up one day at a time, grandparents grew old and frail, Mom and Dad grew wiser with every crisis, Mrs. Patterson started a small business just like my own wife, and the family dog died much to my dismay. I've only cried twice in my life over a dog. Once was this past year when our own dog, Woobie, had to be put to sleep. The other was when Farley died, saving a kid from drowning, in spite of the fact that he was a tired old dog that gave everything he had left. I was really upset-both times!

Nevertheless, people move on and so did the strip. The Patterson's got a new dog and so did we. Edgar Patterson and Wrigley Meek were just what both families needed and life moved on. And that is the point of the comic strip. Real things happen to people. You need to enjoy the good times and roll with the punches during the bad.

Today, "For Better or For Worse" ended. What?!! It can't end. I'm not dead yet. I want an instant replay! Well, upon further review, it is not ending. It is starting over tomorrow, September 1st. It turns out Lynn Johnston is going to re-write the strip from the beginning while changing the things she would want to be different over the past 29 years. Wouldn't life be interesting if you could actually do that?

I'm not sure I could improve upon what has happened to my family. I have a great partner, my wife, and three great sons living lives more interesting than my own. So, I'll live my next 29 years vicariously through them while I follow the re-write of "For Better or For Worse".

For starters, she's bringing back Farley this week. It's de'ja` vu all over again.

Lucas Oil Stadium at Night

2008-08-18T14:57:00.002-04:00

I was driving by the "Oil Can" last night. The view from the interstate was actually quite spectacular, since I've always felt that it is quite hideous in the daylight. The way it was lit accentuated what little is attractive about the behemoth. And once everyone has a few $8 beers at the game, people will be in love with the place.

Of course, isn't that the way things are in the bar scene. After a few drinks in the subdued light, women look foxy and the men are all hunks.

But, at daybreak reality returns. It's not quite what you thought it was the night before.

Lose Us All Our Money Stadium

2008-08-14T21:10:00.002-04:00

Well, tonight is one of many big nights for Indy's new stadium. They are hosting all of the the VIP's. This weekend, they let all of the urchins (aka Colt's Fans) in to get a look see. And, next week they are going to actually play some football inside the behemoth. It's huge!-just like the bonds the taxpayers are going to pay back over the next three decades.

I'll probably not see it in my lifetime, but someday the Colts will leave town, fold, or become irrelevant when tickets cost $1000 each in the nose bleed section. What will the city do to continue to fund the bonds? Here's an idea.

Fill it up with corn.

Junk vs. Important Stuff

2008-08-03T21:45:00.002-04:00

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." Everyone has heard the quote, but I have no idea who wrote it. Nevertheless, there always seems to be someone who's willing to buy anything at any price regardless of its real value. Here are a few.

Manhattan Island-The Indians sold it for a few beads (bad deal). The Arabs just paid $800 million for the Chrysler Building (good deal to the likely immigrant guy that owned it). The Indians should have held out.

Louisiana Purchase-The French sold it for about $16 million (bad deal). The U.S.A. has made a bucket of money since (good deal). However, now our government is spending billions rebuilding New Orleans in spite of the fact that the Gulf of Mexico will consume it in about 50 years (really bad deal).

Alaska-We bought it from the Russians for about $8 million (good for us). I bet the Russians would be drilling for oil if they still owned it and would sell it to us for $100+ per barrel (and we would probably pay it-not only a bad deal, but stupid).

RCA Dome- Indianapolis built it for a little over $35 million (great deal) and it was the catalyst for the renovation to downtown Indy. Now we are building another dome for $700+ million and giving most of the revenue to a bunch of rich guys (worst deal of the new millennium for any city)-until the next city gets suckered by the NFL.

My wife-Great, great deal! No explanation necessary.

Lucas Oil Stadium Fish Tank

2008-07-31T11:00:00.005-04:00

I was listening to a local "wacko" conservative radio station between sales calls this week. I did not catch the name of the person being interviewed, but he was a member of our local government. They were discussing the current problems with the completion of Lucas Oil Stadium (I still cannot believe they named the stadium after a lubricant) and the recent damage caused by the failure of the roof drainage system.

Anyhoo, he added more angst to my concerns for the water problems when he told the interviewer that the stadium floor is 25 feet below street level and that the water table in downtown Indy is 26 feet below street level. Have you ever had a sump pump fail in your home? Well, I have. The basement filled up with water.

It just adds one more dimension to the facility that Bart Peterson had not conceived. We could stock it with fish and have the Bass Pro Shops convention.

Things I've Been Called

2008-07-18T23:01:00.006-04:00

Everyone has been called a number of names in their life. Here's a sampling of what I've been called.

*Ted-Which obviously is my name!
*Teddy-By the people who still think I've yet to grow up.
*Theodore-I am not a friend of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

*Mr. Meek-Usually when I owe someone money.
*Sir-When someone doesn't know my name and they want my money.

*MeekMan-In college by my fraternity brothers.

*Tim-I have no idea why.
*Tom-I must look like Tim.
*Thief-It's a burden all salesmen must bear.
*Trouble-I must have a T branded on my forehead.

*Joe-By my aunts and uncles at the annual family reunion.

*Son-By a great pair of parents.

*Gary, Dan, Dammit Ted!-It's what my Dad often called me. It's the price for being the third-born son.

*Dad-By my wonderful sons.
*Pops-Later, by the same talented young men.

*Brother-By my sibs and much older brother-in-laws.

*Sweetie Pie-By my lovely wife.
*Sweetie?-Short for Sweetie Pie when "I need you to do something".
*Pha-Short for Alpha. You need to see the movie "Day of the Dolphin" to understand why.

*Coach-By over a hundred kids who played on my baseball, football, & b-ball teams.
*Moron-By over a hundred fathers who wanted their kids to pitch, play QB, or shoot the last shot with 5 seconds left in a tied game.

*Uncle Ted-By nearly 200 nieces and nephews all over the U.S.A.
*Taxpayer-Every three months by the government.

*Woof! Woof!-When Wrigley needs to go outside.

*AskIndyTed-By my one and only reader-YOU!

Well, that's a small sampling. If I missed any, send me a comment.

Lucas Oil Stadium Water Leak Coverup

2008-07-17T18:40:00.003-04:00

Ever heard of Pogue's Run? It is a creek that starts on the east side of Indianapolis and continues through the downtown underground before it empties into the White River. On its way through downtown it collects everything from raw sewage to rainwater. The city decided to cover it up about a hundred years ago because it smelled, bred mosquitoes, and generally got in the way of developing downtown real estate. For whatever reason, an artist painted a blue stripe on the streets and sidewalks to show its path as it meandered through the city.

So, what does this have to do with the leak in our brand new stadium which caused millions of dollars of damage? Some rocket scientist decided to build the stadium on top of Pogue's Run. When we had a thunderstorm hit last week there was a lot of runoff in the storm sewers. At the same time, there was a new source of runoff-the stadium and all of the paved areas around it. As Pogue's run reached its capacity, so also was the capacity of the drainage system for the roof of the stadium. Water(and probably sewage)actually started to run vertically back UP the drainage pipes in the stadium as the rainwater was coming down from the roof. I'm not a civil engineer, but the pipes could not stand the stress and burst into the interior of the stadium.

So far, no one has admitted what caused the water damage. They know. However, after spending over $700 million nobody has the guts to fess up to the taxpayers. They are just praying that the heavy rains are over until they can find the cash to move a long forgotten underground waterway.

Panhandler Inflation

2008-07-14T16:29:00.004-04:00

Everyone knows that it is less expensive to live in Indy than in places like Chicago or New York. So, it stands to reason that it must cost more to be a panhandler there, too.

Well, this past weekend, the little lady and I took a long weekend getaway in Chicago. We stayed in the lovely Sofitel Hotel near Water Tower. We asked the concierge for a recommendation of a nearby restaurant as we had decided to hoof it the entire weekend. And, just like Indy, the panhandlers are lurking everywhere shaking their cups. Very few say much, but they all know how to shake the cup.

However, as we proceeded up Rush Street for our reservation at Carmine's Italian Restaurant (which BTW was wonderful), a woman sitting on the sidewalk spoke out to us as we walked by. I never make the mistake of making eye contact, but my lip-reading wife can't help herself. After we passed her I asked, "What did she say?".

"Blank check(?), Visa card(?), or $100 cash?"

She must be a Dale Carnegie Sales School graduate.

My (Baby-Boomer) Presidents

2008-07-12T16:36:00.001-04:00

Since we have finished the presidential primaries and will soon be in the campaign for the new President of the United States I thought I'd reflect on the commander-in-chiefs since I was hatched and what I remember them for.

Harry Truman-He could make a decision even if it meant over 100,000 were going to die as a result. I can't even imagine.

Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower-Didn't do much while he was pres other than play a lot of golf. As a result, he spent a helluva lot less of our money.

John F. Kennedy-JFK had the charisma of a movie star and the sex drive to sleep with one. Somewhere along the way he pissed someone off and we lost him. I was really upset when he was assassinated. It felt like the world was going to end. But, my little brother, Joe, was born a week later and life moved on.

Lyndon B. Johnson-A mean old man who exercised his immense power in Washington to get what he wanted. He took Roosevelt's Fair Deal and ramped it up to the Great Society. That's political talk for dramatic increases in domestic federal spending. He snookered the public into believing we needed to go to war with Vietnam. It was a big mistake and it ultimately wore him out.

Richard M. Nixon-"Tricky Dick" could have been a great president, but he was a serious Rule #1 violator. He thought he was bigger than the law and he paid the price. Shameful.

Jimmy Carter-Probably was the smartest president of our time and the least effective. The country was a mess under his watch.

Ronald Reagan-This guy could flat out communicate. You wanted to believe everything he said. I saw him speak before he was president and it was something special. Nancy was kind of a pain in the ass, though.

George H. W. Bush-It's hard to know whether he was defending our interests in the Middle East or was he doing the dirty work for his Saudi Arabian buddies.

Bill Clinton-How could one person cheat and lie, yet still be so admired by everyone except his wife.

George W. Bush-Just a disaster. How could one president do so much harm to such a great nation in just eight years. We'll be paying for his mistakes for a very long time. Unlike Clinton, his wife likes him. Somebody has to.

Now, we must decide between two polar opposites trying to morph into moderates. Geez, can we have a do-over?

Gun Control II

2008-06-30T16:57:00.002-04:00

Assuming today is a typical day in America, there have been 34 more people killed by gunfire since I posted my blog yesterday. That is more people than were killed last year in the Virginia Tech massacre. Remember how shocked you were that day. Well, you should be shocked everyday.

Send a letter to your congressman before one of your loved ones is a statistic.

Gun Control

2008-06-29T18:24:00.004-04:00

First, I need to tell you where I am coming from. I was born the day that President Truman ordered 50,000 troops into Korea to stop the spread of communism and as a youngster, a hunter shot "Bambi's"(look it up) mother. Then, I grew up to the sounds of air raid sirens signaling the impending attack from the Cuban nuclear missiles in the '60's. Then, we spent our childhood shooting each other with our "tommy guns" and "Matel" (the same folks that created the "Barbie Doll")toy guns. But, we all lived to play another day.

Now, my contemporaries in the Supreme Court still seem to think(that's debatable) that we need to have guns to protect ourselves. Give me a freakin' break! They voted 5-4 to allow everyone in the U.S.A. the right to have a gun.

As a result, over a hundred people die in Indianapolis annually as a result of gunfire.

Anyone who wants to become President will be wary to even bring it up, but whoever has the courage to propose legislation to take guns out of the hands of everyone other than law enforcement and the military will earn my vote.

Nuf said.

My Reconciliation Tax Bill & Bart

2008-06-12T14:27:00.004-04:00

For those of you who are out of the loop, the property taxes are whacked out in Indianapolis, especially downtown. My tax bill last year for the property I own nearly doubled from 2006 to 2007. However, when the you know what hit the fan, the governor told everyone to pay their 2006 tax bill in 2007 and that the state would bill us the difference in 2008. Confused? Most people are.

Well, I received my "2007 Reconciliation" bill today. The property taxes are still 50% to 80% higher than 2006 and this is after the state raised the sales tax by 1% and the city raised the restaurant tax by 1%.Then, they raised the local income tax an additional .65% while not allowing any debate from the public.

To put it another way, it is like buying a new car with cash and then walking out the door of the dealership and setting it on fire-every year.

So what does this have to do with Bart Peterson? In case you do not remember, he was the smiley face that spent all of the money which created the tax mess. Well, I decided to ease into my work day by having breakfast in one of my favorite haunts-Shapiro's Delicatessen and try to forget about my taxes while reading about my 401K going down the tubes in the Wall Street Journal. When, who should appear? Old smiley face Bart was back in town from his stint teaching government at Harvard. Hey, you need to teach the future leaders how to overspend while they're young.

Maybe I could spill some coffee on him. No, he was in the corner of the room and it would have been too obvious. Or, how about throwing my bagel at him. No, was I hungry. I could have just walked over and bitch-slapped him. No, I don't like lawyers or jails. I guess I just could have made him a deal on my new low-mileage burned out Chevy.

What Is Going On?

2008-06-11T13:11:00.002-04:00

Who wants to guess where the price of oil is going to be? I thought I knew, but I was low. I thought people would wise-up around $2.50 per gallon of gasoline. Nope. Then, I thought things would grind to a halt at $3.50. Nope. Traffic was just as heavy as ever.
Now, we've passed $4.00 and they say demand is down a measly 4%. Wake up people! It's going higher. Now is not the time to cash in your 401K just so you can fill up your SUV to go to the mall. Demand has overtaken supply. If you don't understand that basic premise, it's too late for you.

Not to sound like an old fart, but I'm not so sure the little lady and I are going to start living a little like we did back when we got hitched. You don't need to be married to cut back, but it's always easier when you're a team. I can't tell you how seldom we had dinner out and how often we ate macaroni & cheese with crackers crumbled on top to make it look like a "dish". Moreover, I never bought tires for the old heap if you could still see the tread lines on the tires. It made driving in the rain more fun anyway. We had no A/C, no dishwasher, no cable(we did have a 15" color RCA, though), and could fit all of our clothes in a 4 ft. closet with room to spare.

So, what do you do? Live on what you make, live with the ones you love, and vote all of the knuckleheads in your local, state, and federal government out of office who messed up a pretty good thing,

My #1 Pet Peeve

2008-05-05T15:20:00.002-04:00

Everyone has a #1 pet peeve. Yours might be lousy drivers, people who talk too much or too loud, smokers, drunks, liberals, conservatives, television commercials, traffic, Windows upgrades, losing a button, hot flashes, bad spelling & improper grammar, unrelenting increase in the price of gas, taxes, politicians, and I could go on and on. But, I won't. Let's get back to my #1.

My #1 pet peeve relates to my work. What I do for a living is not rocket science and it is not important what I actually do , but let's say after 36 years of hearing most of the questions that pertain to my industry at least a hundred times, I have most of the answers on the tip of my tongue when I hear "I am having trouble with my _______". Since my job is helping people solve their problems and getting them back to making a living, I am more than willing to help. And, in return, they will purchase my products and services. We both win.

However, I continue to encounter folks who have tried everything that "they know" and cannot solve the problem at hand. So, after patiently listening, I give them a possible solution based on my 36 years(which BTW is way too long in any business)of experince. You would think the response would be, "I'll give that a try" or "Why didn't I think of that?" or "You're a frigging genius".

No, that's not what they say. They say, "That's can't be right". Not right? This is not a multiple choice test where answers A, B, C, and D are incorrect and E is none of the above. If they know what's not right and they don't know what is right, why are they wasting my time!

That's my #1. And if you don't agree, don't call me.

Self-efficacy & The Lukens Gene

2008-04-30T16:07:00.003-04:00

I'm not trying to impress you with my vocabulary, but I read an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal today that described "self-efficacy". The article was titled "If at First You Don't Succeed, You're in Excellent Company". It detailed all of the famous people you've read about and their corresponding failures followed by magnificent successes.

One particular example was Thomas Edison and his eventual invention of the light bulb. After 1000 failures he finally found the right combination. Later, he described it not as 1000 failures, but merely 1000 steps. I guess that's why people with "self-efficacy" don't quit when others would...they just expect a series of steps to happen before they get the job done.

So, what does Thomas Edison have to do with "Self-efficacy"? As quoted in the WSJ, "What makes some people rebound from defeat while others throw in the towel?" Self-efficacy-the unshakable belief that they have what it takes to succeed...because they believe persistent effort will let them beat the odds". I asked Julie about this term and of course, getting her doctorate in "behavioral science", she instructed me that a guy named Al Bandura came up with this term and it is a major concept in the field of helping people change their behavior...who knew??

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I know of a group of these people and they ALL have the same last name-Lukens. Matter of fact, I married one of them and you've never seen a more determined bunch in your life. They are changing health care, where we will get our oil someday, they have built bridges and dams in places where they couldn't be built, built churches, and include several women who ran companies when it was thought only men could. Whatever the challenge, they have the stuff to do whatever needs to be done. And I warn you, do not try to stop them. They won't let you!

Presidential Campaigning in Indiana?

2008-04-26T19:37:00.002-04:00

Lo and behold, after 40 years of being ignored other than the occasional flyby for a fund raiser, there are real(sorry Ralph Nader) presidential candidates running around Indiana telling us how important we are.

Well, they're a little late. The last time the Indiana primary meant anything, I wasn't eligible to vote. Even if I had been, the best candidate at the time was Nixon?! Anyway, I was more worried about passing organic chemistry, avoiding the draft, and getting dumped by a girlfriend. I had my priorities.

Now, I'm more concerned with eating organic, avoiding drafty rooms, and staying regular.

I do have a new priority which is a comfortable retirement which brings me back to the candidates. They can make retirement difficult for a boomer. How? They promise you everything and deliver nothing. I don't believe Hilliary anymore, McCain will eventually do a 180 on his positions, and Obama keeps talking about "change" in Washington. I frankly believe the federal government cannot "change" while it is being controlled by hundreds of special interests.

So, what can I do? Vote. Hopefully, everyone will vote, because I can live with what the majority wants. That's what a democracy is suppose to be all about.

Bad Decisions by .....

2008-04-08T13:55:00.002-04:00

Indiana University
*Hiring Mike Davis, Rick Greenspan, Kelvin Sampson, & Adam Herbert
*Firing Bobby too late & retiring Bill Mallory too soon
*Spending $100 million on new athletic facilities when they can't sellout their current venues
*Making me take German and Organic Chemistry

Eric Gordon
*Coming to IU to play basketball
*Leaving college early for the NBA
*Thinking he is ready for "the next level"
*Thinking he was ready for basketball in "The Big Ten"

Hilliary Clinton
*Marrying Bill Clinton (obviously)
*Thinking she would be a good President (obviously)
*Picking Evan Bayh as her running mate (Ha! Ha! Ha!-God, I hope not)

Bart Peterson
*Building Lucas Oil Stadium
*Building a $30 million library for $140 million
*Building a $1 billion airport terminal when the one we have is adequate
*Taking my vote for granted along with 54% of the taxpayers in Marion County

George H.W. Bush
*Thinking Barbara was cute
*Thinking Jeb was good name for a son
*Not giving a full set of chromosomes to George W. Bush

George W. Bush
*Running for Governor of Texas
*Running for President of the United States
*Not taking English as a second language at Yale

But seriously, the only bad decision you can make is not making one.

Ten Rules to Live By According to Julie & AskIndyTed

2008-03-17T16:24:00.003-04:00

1) If you drink, do not drive. Take a cab.
2) Do not jump on trampolines unless you are employed by Ringling Brothers Circus.
3) Do not ride on motorcycles even if you are sober.
4) If you are married, be faithful. If you're Eliot Spitzer, you're history.
5) Pay your bills on time. Credit is a wonderful thing when it is used properly.
6) If you treat the ladies nice, they'll treat you nice.
7) If no one likes you, get a dog. They will love you unconditionally.
8) If you don't care if anyone likes you, get a cat.
9) When you are having a lousy day, donate blood. It sounds gross, but you'll feel better having helped someone else.
10)Winter in Indiana sucks!

The Crossroads of Air Pollution

2008-03-14T16:39:00.003-04:00

I have just been informed by my lovely daughter-in-law that Indy is the sixth most toxic city in the nation. For the most part she is correct. However, if the city planners 150+ years ago had known about the creation of the EPA, they would have laid out the city a little differently.

There is no dispute that if you tape a plain piece of paper to the hood of your car on a typical day in Indianapolis, there will be a layer of black grit on it by the end of the day. Hey, we're breathing this crap. No wonder I can't run a marathon in spite of the fact I have never trained for one. Nevertheless, the air is full of crud. Where's it coming from? Well, very innocently most of the industry, power plants, airports, and major distribution warehouses with the affiliated trucking companies are all located on the west side of town. With the prevailing wind out of the west all of the crud gets blown right over the main part of town where the EPA very sensibly measures air pollution.

Cities with the industrial bases on the east, north, or south sides of town just get grazed by the nasty little boogers. So, until Cummins Engine finds a way to catch all of the particulates from diesel engines, IPL builds a nuclear plant somewhere downwind so all of the radioactive fallout lands on Ohio, and the airlines start using biofuels we are going to be on the list. It is kind of like building a campfire and then standing in the smoke while you roast your weenies.

A Chat and New "Old" Technology

2008-03-06T20:05:00.004-05:00

I was out of town today making sales calls, so I had not checked my e-mail until I arrived home at 5:30PM. Well, suddenly my oldest son Kyle, who lives in New York, sends me an instant message from North Carolina. He is there on a shoot for CBS Sports Television (formerly CSTV). Amazing, eh? When all of the sudden my second oldest son, Joel, sends me an instant message from Ireland! You know, the land of the potato blight and green scenic views? So, I message back that I am chatting with Kyle online. Next thing I know we are chatting between the three of us from my living room in NapTown.

Dorothy, we're not in Kansas anymore.

Next thing you know, Reynolds Aluminum will be bringing out a new foil for my rabbit ears so I won't get a shadow on Channel 4.

Daily Cost of Lucas Oil Stadium

2008-02-26T17:50:00.003-05:00

I don't mean to throw cold water over all of the euphoria of our new stadium, but I thought you might find it interesting to know just what our new pile of bricks and steel is going to cost the citizens of metropolitan Indy EVERY day for the next 30 years.

The Star reported today that the projected amount that will be borrowed upon completion of the stadium is $704 million and the interest rate on the bonds will be 4.23%. I wish I could get a rate like that on my house, but what the heck.

So, how much is it going to cost us? Well, when we pay all of the principle & interest and assuming we never re-finance it like the RCA Dome, the total payments will be $1,243,806,000 plus change. That will amount to $113,589.00 per day. But wait, don't forget the annual maintenance cost of $10 million...like Bart did when he sold the deal to the taxpayers. That will ad another $27,397.00 daily for a total of $140,986.00 per day! Thank goodness the city doesn't pay property taxes. If it did under Governor Daniels new property tax formula it would cost an additional $57,535 per day but in reality that cost will just be shifted to Marion County taxpayers.

What really irks me is that Jimmy Irsay will pay nothing unless he dines at St. Elmo's and yet he will receive 100% of the revenue from Colts games and 50% of the net revenue for all non-Colts events.

To pay for all of this, the city will primarily rely on the 2% restaurant tax. In other words, we can pay for it if every man, woman, and child in Central Indiana buys a value meal at McDonald's everyday for the next thirty years. The architects must have already been aware of this. All of the new seats in the stadium are designed to accommodate overweight people. Brilliant! Let's just make sure there are extra EMT's to handle the increased heart attack rate during games!

A Beakthrough for AskIndyTed

2008-02-24T17:18:00.004-05:00

Over the past few weeks my beautiful bride has been transitioning from a corporate executive who has been eating outside the home too frequently to a consultant and soon-to-be something else who has decided to start cooking at home while doing Weight Watchers online. It's been wonderful! Great chow at a fraction of the cost WITHOUT contributing one red cent to the "2% Restaurant Dome Tax". For you out-of-towner's, the city decided it would be a burden to tax groceries for the benefit of Jimmy Irsay while it pays for a new stadium and gives most of the revenue to him.

So, what does all of that have to do with a breakthrough for me? Well, the Mrs. wanted to go out to our old Sunday night haunt for dinner. How could I tell her no? She's been a trouper.

So, I got myself cleaned up this afternoon and took her out. Well, unbeknown st to her, I did something a little different. I did NOT put on any socks! Just me and my UGG's. Shocking! People have been trying for me to take my socks off and use "product" in my hair for years. Well, the socks are off. Stay tuned on my hair.

Next thing you know, I'll be sticking an Obama sign in my front yard.

How Did IU Ever Hire Sampson?

2008-02-18T15:32:00.005-05:00

First of all, if Indiana University has ever been guilty of anything it would be its resistance to "change". And that thinking has served it well for over 175 years with leaders like Bryan, Jordan, Wells, and Ryan. It has been blessed with great faculty who have done ground-breaking research in biology, chemistry, physics, and human sexual behavior(I had to throw that in).

The Athletic Department has distinguished itself until recently as one of the finest in the country. Doc Councilman did not lose a Big Ten meet in over a decade and won seven consecutive NCAA titles before he swam the English Channel at 66 years of age(a record at the time). Branch McCracken led the Hurryin' Hoosiers to two NCAA basketball championships, Jerry Yeagley started a soccer club in 1963 which eventually led to six NCAA titles, and everyone remembers Bobby winning three NCAA championships. As far as I know, none of these men ever broke the rules.

So, where in Heaven's Name did things go awry?

Well, someone thought it would be good to "change" things at IU. It all started innocently when Thomas Ehrlich was named president of the university. He had a distinguished academic background and was hired to raise the bar on IU's somewhat mediocre academic ranking. Well, he clashed with Bobby. Ehrlich was right, but he was messing with the status quo. To make a long story short, Ehrlich quit rather than lock horns with Knight. Enter Myles Brand as the new president. He basically had the same mission as Ehrlich, but he was not to be intimidated by a basketball coach and Bobby was canned-and rightfully so. However, by now things were so broken between the athletic department, the university, and the citizens of Indiana, Brand resigned to take over the NCAA in Indianapolis.

Indiana University became a ship without a compass. It also needed to hire a new A.D.(Bobby got him canned, too). IU began to drift. No one was at the helm. We were left with a miserable football program that couldn't get 25,000 fannies in the stands and the basketball program was stuck with a coach who was thrown in the ocean but had not yet learned to swim with the sharks.

Ticket sales and all related revenue tanked. The athletic department was in the red. To give you some perspective, IU's annual budget is one third the size ($32 million vs. $100+ million) of Michigan and Ohio State's annual largess. Something had to "change" and remember, Bloomington doesn't like "change".

Well, someone thought it would be a good idea to hire a new president from an athletically oriented state like Florida, home of "there are no rules". Down south the battle cry is "Just win", even if the players are illiterate thugs. Enter Adam Herbert from the Sunshine State as the new president of IU. President Herbert's first act as president was to get on a plane and go back to Florida and wait on the paychecks to arrive in the mail. In the meantime, while Herbert was on a permanent vacation in Florida, Rick Greenspan was hired as the athletic director. His mantra was to bring in the bucks. Now that we have a motive, we need someone to commit the crime. Allow me to introduce Kelvin Sampson as the new basketball coach and new savior of the revenue stream for Indiana University Athletics. You can read the rest of that story in the paper.

It can be fixed. But first, we need to "change" it back to the way it used to be. IU used to stand for something...namely integrity and honesty. The alumni want to be proud again...we want our IU heritage of integrity back!

A Few Words About Kelvin Sampson

2008-02-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

Fire him now!

Unique Indy Food

2008-02-13T16:40:00.004-05:00

Philly created cheesesteak sandwiches, New Orleans warms you up with shrimp creole, Boston serves up raw oysters like hazardous waste, and Cincinnati boils sauer kraut with water from the Ohio. So what unusual dishes does Indy have that distinguishes it from the rest of America?

Don't look for it in restaurants. You have to go to the State Fair. On Diabetic Drive you can start out with a Lemon Shake-up and a Funnel Cake. I don't know where the name comes from but its 100% sugar. After the sugar buzz subsides, catch the shuttle(no reason to walk off the 2000 calories) over to Deep-Fried Lane. It smells wonderful unless one of the horses pulling the shuttle dropped a deuce. There you can partake in either a deep-fried Twinkie or if you're really hungry, you can mow down on a pork chop fresh out of the fryer. Now you just need to drag yourself over to a park bench on Cardiac Lane next to the World's Fattest Two-Headed Woman and listen to you arteries clog. And do not forget the corn on the cob that's been soaking in butter.

On your way home make sure you buy a pound of salt water taffy and get some cotton candy for the road. You might need a snack before you hit the rack.

A New Reality for Local Government

2008-02-12T14:19:00.000-05:00

Bless you Mitch Daniels! Your proposal to fix Indiana's property tax fiasco is starting to gain traction. Even our dim-witted legislators are having a difficult time trying to dismember it. It seems that his simple formula of taxing homeowners property at 1% of their market value is leaving the coffers of unaccountable local governments a bit shy of their recent spending habits.

For example, Lake County(East Chicago & Gary) is going to come up about $250 million shy of a balanced budget while Marion County(Indianapolis) is light $100 million. Hamilton County(Carmel) which is the richest county in the state will empty the coins in the ashtrays of their BMW's to pay off their $5.8 million deficit.

Kudos to Indianapolis Mayor Ballard for making sense of the problem. He won't cut the police budget, but "everything else is on the table". I guess the previous administration was planning to have a $2 million party to celebrate the opening of our new $1 billion airport terminal. He's already shot that one down. Uh, honey, put away my tuxedo.

As for Lake County, let's just give it to Chicago.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2008-02-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't about a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It's about football. Everyone in Indy is still smarting from the early exit of the Colts from the NFL playoffs. It was looking even more grim to watch the Patriots on the brink of immortality by going undefeated all the way in Super Bowl 42 (the Roman numerals are getting a bit much since Indianapolis is graduating less than 50% of their high school students in IV (that's 4 in case you're one of them) years.

You see, the Colts are "The Good" with the exception of the robber owner, Jimmy Irsay. Jimmy has fleeced the city of several hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars. That's enough to finance the war in Iraq for nearly a day! Nevertheless, we have Peyton Manning, who has a children's hospital named after him. What else can you say? Anyway, if Peyton can't be there, why not Eli?

That brings us to "The Bad". Unless you live in New England, I cannot imagine anyone cheering for the Pats (or Teddy Kennedy). They not only cheat in ways we are not even aware of yet; they're also not very interesting. When is the last time you saw an interview of a current member of the Patriot organization? Never! That leaves us with media talking endlessly about how wonderful they are. Spare me!

By now, you've already figured out out who "Ugly" is. Bill Belichick defines "Ugly". He has no class. Never have I seen someone run off the field of battle before it was over since Hitler cowered in his bunker before the end of WWII. All he needs is a little mustache and he could be a fraternal twin. What a creep! Have a little class and stick around for the end of the game like the eighteen coaches you defeated.

I never thought I'd cheer for a New York team, but it was wonderful to see the Giants kick your cheatin' butts.

Pain

2008-01-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

Pain comes in numerous forms.

Emotional Pain for Men-When your girlfriend dumps you because of the bald spot you are developing the night the Colts lose in the playoffs.

Emotional Pain for Women-When your balding boyfriend tells you to shut up just as Peyton throws an interception at the two yard line.

Physical Pain for Men-When Bob Sanders hits you in the "soft spot".

Physical Pain for Women-When Bob Sanders hits you in the "soft spot" without his uniform on.

Financial Pain for Men-When you find out that your wife went to the sale at Nordstrom.

Financial Pain for Women-Doesn't happen. All they can remember is how much they saved at the Nordstrom "Half-Yearly Sale".

Back Pain for Men-You ran out of Bud Lite before you were finished with the new landscaping, so you told your wife you had to stop because of your back pain.

Back Pain for Women-Whenever your man starts getting frisky, you tell him you must be starting your period because your back hurts. (Didn't she say that last week?)

Chronic Pain for Men-Women, but we couldn't feel good without them. Sounds contradictory to me.

Chronic Pain for Women-Men, but women tolerate pain better than men. I guess that means we don't need to change. (Right Honey?)

Euthanasia and Other Things I've Yet to Do

2008-01-01T10:56:00.000-05:00

Every time I bring up the subject of euthanasia it is just about as popular as talking about the heartbreak of psoriasis and diverticulitis.

Nevertheless, now that I realize there are 1000 things I need to do and 100 places I need to see before I die, it's apparent I am going to miss a few. Hey, I've been occupied with all of the things Boomers have been doing for the past fifty years-working,raising kids, and paying taxes. I imagine I will just need to settle for watching a lot of Discovery HD and wait for the virtual world to become indistinguishable from the real thing.

Anyway, why am I talking about euthanasia? Well, we had to put our pooch, Whoobie, down last week. He was almost twelve and was relatively healthy until this fall, but he acquired one of those rare illnesses that has no treatment. My wife, his best friend, jumped in and gave him the type of nursing care sorely missed in our medical system. It kept the little guy going until the holidays, but he was getting sicker and sicker by the day. People told us we would know when to put him to sleep. It is not something you want to think about, but last Friday we knew. He was starting to suffer and it was time.

The whole thing reminded me of my parents last days. My mother died of cancer and my father of Alzheimer's. Everyone hates to see a loved one die, but in my opinion, their "time" was long before their last day.

So, when my "time" comes and our laws have not dealt with the final days of suffering, I'm catching a plane to Amsterdam, smoking a joint(one of the things I haven't done), NOT going to the Red Light District(one of the things you shouldn't do), and taking a walk to "the other side".

I'm Roundin' Up a Posse

2007-12-13T18:09:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'm tired of hearing that Jamal Tinsley of our Indiana Pacers is having all of the fun late at night while I'm home sleeping. So, I'm putting together my own posse. Look out out Indy! IndyTed is going to be cruising the streets.

First, I need a driver. You must be able to handle a Ford Fusion. It doesn't have bullet-proof glass, but it is painted black with alloy wheels even if they aren't shiny.

Second, I need a bodyguard. Someone big enough to stop a bullet. Somebody like Evan.

Third, I really need an advance man. Someone who knows where all of the seedy places exist in Indy. Club Rio is so yesterday. Besides, the roof leaks there. Stephen Jackson shot a bunch of holes in the roof.

Fourth, I need someone who can convince my wife that I was just delivering a rush order to one of my customers at 3AM in the vicinity of 38th and Lafayette Road. This will require someone who can spin a good story. "That" Guy Doyal would be ideal, but he hangs with the shuffle board crowd in Florida when it gets cold in MoTown. I need someone 24/7.

Last, I need a woman. Not any woman, but one who has no fear. I need a woman who scares the bejabbers(that's a word in Indiana) out of mortal men. I need a woman who owns the room. I need a woman that is hard to understand, impossible to discourage, and soft to the touch.

But hey, I'm already married to her. Who needs a posse?

Indy Ted is Going Global

2007-12-03T12:44:00.000-05:00

Starting today, you can read Ask Indy Ted in any language you choose. Just click the language of your choice from the drop-down menu on the right side bar! Below is an example in Japanese!

Arigatoo gozaimasu!

Dancing with the Stars Conspiracy

2007-11-28T10:31:00.000-05:00

If you are a putz, or married like myself, you have spent the last ten weeks watching "Dancing with the Stars" on ABC to keep the lady of the house happy. I have to admit it is entertaining, but don't tell anyone downtown. I may get invited to the Talbott Street Nightclub.

Anyway, I think the whole thing has been rigged to save some of the stars form either an embarrassing early exit or to enhance the ratings of the show. First, Jane Seymour, after a death in the family had an episode of food poisoning before the results show. They felt in fairness to Jane, in spite of the fact she was terrible, she should be spared the axe and come back for another week. Sabrina, a Cheetah Girl, got whacked instead. Shocking! She was probably one of the best dancers, but they passed off her elimination to the lack of fan voting. Possible, I guess.

Then, the next week, Marie Osmond(Version 4.8) collapsed after another not so spectacular performance. The fans loved it and the votes poured in. Following that, a family tragedy struck. I'm not going to try to convince you that Donnie & Marie called in a hit on their old man, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. It catapulted Marie into the finals. Meanwhile, Helio, Mel B, and Jennie continued to impress the judges and the audience. Nevertheless, Jennie was tossed in the semis. Below is a clip of Marie's fainting spell:

Now it was down to Marie(who cares if she designs dolls), Mel B(silicone implants still in place), and Helio(soon to announce that he is not getting married-he's had a stiffy for 10 weeks dancing up close with Julianne). Marie was mercifully eliminated at the start of the Finals. None of her brothers were willing to drown in the Great Salt Lake to pump up the fan vote. If you miss her, she'll be in Indy on December 6th promoting the Children's Miracle Network.

Finally, we were down to Scary Spice and Helio. Who would win? It should have been obvious from week number one. "Dancing with the Stars" is on ABC. ABC along with its affiliate ESPN broadcast the Indianapolis 500 and the rest of the low-rated IRL schedule. The ratings for the "500" have been less than stellar and the IRL races are only watched by close relatives of the drivers and myself. What could they possibly try to put a face on the circuit? Bingo! We have a winner! Helio appeared on Good Morning America(ABC) today and will be in Disney World tomorrow. That right. They own ABC.

Like Deep Throat said in "All the President's Men", "Follow the money".

Life in Indy after Bart

2007-11-21T16:45:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gone on a spending binge and then realized a month later that you are in debt up to your chinny-chin-chin. Well, that is where Bart has left us.

Mayor Hudnut had wonderful intentions 25 years ago when the Hoosier Dome was built and the downtown became a much nicer place as a result. However, for 12 years he neglected to pay attention to the financial obligations the city had made to organizations like the police and fire department pension funds. He also did not like raising taxes, so whenever the city lacked the revenue to pay for bills, he would just float another bond. His one unforgivable lie was that the stadium tax of 1% would be retired when the bonds on the Dome/Indiana Convention Center were paid off. The revenue from the tax would have paid off the debt by 1990, but he merely refinanced the debt and added more. We now owe $46 million on a Dome we are going to tear down next spring that we originally borrowed $35 million to build.

After Hudnut, Mayor Goldsmith came along and continued the same policies, but he did it with St. Elmo's Shrimp Cocktail Sauce on it. He ignored the same obligations, borrowed more cash, built Conseco Arena for $185 million and gave it to the Pacers for free. Oh, in the meantime he cut a deal with the Colts to keep them in Indy until 2013. The only problem was he gave our football horses all of the revenue for the Dome PLUS a $10-15 million annual sweetener. I think the city owed over $100 million to the police and firemen by the time he left office.

Enter Bart, the protege' of Evan Bayh. He took the art of giving away the city to a new level. He supported the arts, built trails, brought us hotels with fancy linens, and crammed a $725 million stadium and a $140 million library down our throats. He also did not pay-up to the police and firemen. We now owe them $400 million. Here is the best part. He thought that he was so popular, he thought he could stop borrowing our future and let the bad news hit while blaming it on the state. He followed that news with a 65% increase in the local income taxes. It was like watching the Thriller video all over again. Dead people(aka Hoosier voters) woke up. We had a race even if what's his name only had $51,000 and no support form the Republican Party.

The unbelievable happened. Greg Ballard, a retired Lt. Kernel, I mean Colonel won. Who cares why. He won. The voters, at least 52% of them, said enough was enough. What do I expect him to accomplish? Realistically, not that much. We owe the money. All I expect him to do is put the city on a fiscal diet. Hopefully, four years from now, our taxes will be less and what we currently have will still be maintained. If he creates an environment that the private sector finds attractive for building projects based on their merits rather than the tax abatements passed out by Bill, Steve, and Bart he will be a huge success.

It will be interesting to see if he can surprise us again.

Hoosiers Pummel Boilers 42-24 in Bucket Game

2007-11-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

Well, actually not yet. It still Friday, November 16th and the kick-off isn't for another 24 hours. But, the reason for my bold prediction is a result of attending the Annual IU/Purdue Old Oaken Bucket Luncheon at the Columbia Club in downtown Indy.

I was invited to attend by Matt Rittenhouse who represents Merrill Lynch here in Indianapolis. Little did I know that I was in for a memorable day. Upon arriving, I was greeted by Matt, his dad Ron, Gregg Boehning, and other fans of the losing team. Matt told me to sit at Table #2, so I worked my way through the crowd and found my table. I saw a familiar face in Terry Thompson, Superintendent of Wayne Township Schools, whose son Dan played for IU and had a pivotal role in beating the Boilers the last time I think the Hoosiers won the Bucket. I was a much younger man back then. The Hoosiers actually did have the winning score about six years ago, but the weather was the dominant force that day. Rain, wind, and bad coaching beat the Boilers that day.

So, what makes me so confident that tomorrow will be different? Well, the next person to arrive at my table was Coach Lynch, then Terry Hutchens from the Indianapolis Star sat down followed by Bob Lovell who was the MC. I was at the head, I mean, winner's table. And just to my left about 5 feet away sat "The Bucket". This NEVER happens to me. It was nirvana for a guy who has lived most of his life in the background. If I was in Iraq, I'd be driving a fuel tanker, not the M-1 Abrams tank. If I worked at the Playboy Mansion, I'd be the guy cutting the grass-not grabbing some ***. I couldn't say a word. I just took in all in. I listened to Coach talk about how the players were killing each other in practice, so they stopped hitting on Wednesday. Terry was talking about his new book about Coach Hep. Bob Lovell knew everyone in the room except me and he even knows me now. It was great!

Anyway, Mark Herman, former QB from Purdue spoke first to the crowd. He did a nice job. I didn't know Purdue alumni could do public speaking because it rarely happens. Then Coach Lynch took the podium and immediately received a standing ovation from the IU faithful and a few of the Purdue folks. Most of Purdue folks just sat there and wondered why all of the fuss. It was then I realized that it's our year. The Hoosiers want it more. The Boilers just think they need to show up, thump the Hoosiers, and get their annual invite to some obscure bowl in El Paso then spend the winter talking about why they should fire Tiller. Well, we are going to win, PLAY 13 like Coach Hep wanted, and be thrilled to go to any bowl even if it is in Detroit.

When all of the festivities ended, I walked over to my left, rubbed an "I" hanging off the side of the Bucket, and gave it a gentle hug. Perfect.

I've Been on Vacation.,,

2007-11-02T09:57:00.000-04:00

The Mrs., myself, and Woobie(correct spelling-not Whoobie) left for a week in North Carolina on Oct 27th. It was not an ideal time to leave town, but when is it ever a good time. Julie's company is going through some reorganization which really needed her involvement, so she has been on the phone a few times and one of my long time competitors announced they are folding their tent at the end of the year. So, I've also been on the phone and checking resumes to fill an open sales position or two. They are having a hundred year drought down here in NC and I think it is easier to get a permit to build a swimming pool than to find a qualified sales representative who knows anything about the offset printing business who isn't 55 years old and burned out.

Anyhoo, the weather has been beautiful, the color has been spectacular, and I continue to be amazed how people are willing to build a million dollar house next door to an Appalachian shack. I would think it would make it difficult to do a real estate comp a few years form now when you try to sell the place before you move into the old farts home. However, they keep throwing them up and the prices are still increasing in spite of the national trend to the contrary.

We also spent four days in Charlotte. WOW! I haven't seen a city do what they have done in the past ten years. The entire downtown, which they call Uptown, is virtually all new construction. It is the second largest banking center in the USA. There are banks everywhere and they love to built monuments to themselves. Bank of America and Wachovia in particular seem to dominate the landscape. They have leveled anything that is a good spot for another high-rise condo or office tower.

Charlotte has a lot of similarities to Indianapolis. They are of similar size, are creating a new downtown population to support the arts, restaurants, and professional teams that are all located within walking distance. Everything inside the inner loop is prospering while the dregs are just mile away in the shadows of the stadiums, arenas, condos, and office towers. They both have a problem with urban sprawl. Traffic gets progressively worse the farther you drive from the center of town. The most prosperous neighborhoods are located north and south and both have an abundance of malls.

On the contrary, Charlotte seems to be reaching their goals much faster than Indianapolis. That may be primarily the result of Indianapolis having no significant local banks. I also get the impression the average paycheck in Charlotte seems to support living in a $500K condo on top of the fact that they pay significantly lower property taxes. Both downtowns seem to understand the importance of cleanliness, but they both share similar issues with the homeless. Indianapolis, on the other hand, has preserved a lot of its older architecture. It has a less sterile feel than Charlotte and Indy has also preserved much more green space even if it primarily used by the homeless(i.e. University Park). For what it is worth, Indy overwhelms Charlotte in the memorial/monument category. Racing is enormous in both cities. Indy is the home for open wheel and Charlotte is home to NASCAR which is dominating the racing crowd until the egos running open wheel gets their poop together.

As for the people, both towns have an abundance of nice people. However, folks in Charlotte seem a bit trimmer and visitors look like they are from NYC or DC. Indy's out-of-towners tend to be square dancers with thick ankles that get excited riding up and down any elevator with a glass wall. Hey, their money is green, Chicago doesn't want them, and we sure as hell need their help to pay for the "Oil Can"(Lucas Oil Stadium).

Don't forget to vote November 6th.

Bart has the $$$ to Lie

2007-10-22T18:27:00.000-04:00

The only thing more sad than Bart's lies is the effort by the local Republican Party to defeat him. Greg Ballard seems to be capable of being mayor, but we'll never know. His own party has sent him down the White River without a paddle. Bart has about $1,500,000.00 in his campaign fund while Ballard has $51,000.

Ever wonder where Bart came up with that kind of dough. How about starting with the grateful contractors who are building the new $1,000,000,000 airport terminal, or our new $725,000,000 Lucas Oil Stadium which is replacing the RCA Dome that will be replaced by the $300,000,000 convention center expansion.

Our $140,000,000 library which was originally suppose to cost $30,000,000 opens next month. You won't find me there until I am convinced it won't collapse due to serious structural flaws.

Connect the dots everyone and vote for the guy with $51,000. No one owns him-yet.

Gettin' to the Airport

2007-10-21T18:51:00.000-04:00

Did you realize that their is another way to get to the airport other than driving your car? No, I'm not talking about the taxi. I'm talking about Indy's version of mass transit, Indygo. Still confused? I'm talking about the bus stupid.

Let's say you're leaving town for a long weekend. It's going to cost you or a friend at least six bucks plus the wear and tear on your car to get to the airport. But, if you drive your own car and park at one of the lots it will cost you seven more bucks a day to park. Add it up. We're talking around thirty-five Uncle Sams for a round trip to your crib.

If you take Indygo, it will cost you a measly $3.00 cash(correct change please). Also, not to mention, you'll make Al Gore and the polar bears happy. Plus, you'll save yourself a car wash. There is nothing like the grime of jet engines blowing carbon on your car for four days in addition to the creeps who ding your car in the lot.

Oh ,you say it takes longer? It takes 40 minutes to the terminal door on Indygo from downtown which is where you should be living anyway. I defy you to drive to the airport, park your car, wait for the shuttle, and get to your respective check-in in less time. Unless, you live in Carmel or Zionsville. In that case, you are probably planning to build your own airport so you won't need to drive south of 96th Street.

I also did it in New York City. It cost me $4.00 to get to La Guardia versus the typical fare of $40-50 via the cab with Mohamed Abdullah Oblongata at the wheel. My only advice in NYC was to keep repeating "Como este" on the train. It made the locals smile.

Gee Whiz Kelvin!!!

2007-10-15T21:04:00.000-04:00

Are you related to Shaun Williams? Did you not think the NCAA was not serious last year when they issued sanctions against you along with Indiana University?

All I wanted this year was for the my 401K to go north, the Hoosier football team to go to a bowl to honor Hep, and for the Hurryin' Hoosiers to contend for a Big $1.10 championship while I listened on the RCA(that's a radio if you were born after 1965).

However, all I have at this point is very little Big $1.10 sports on the tube since Rupert Murdoch "paid off" the A.D.'s, more IU b-ball sanctions, and Bob "I love Mike Davis" Kravitz getting up on his pulpit telling the whole world the righteous thing to do is fire another IU coach.

Speaking of the right thing to do, I wish the Indianapolis Star would send your sorry ass to another Gannett paper.

Driving in Downtown Indy

2007-10-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

Compared to other cities across the country, Indianapolis must be one of the easiest to navigate. Then, why in Heaven's name are there so many people who can't do it! Funny thing is, we need all of the mobile morons we can get to spend their hard earned bucks downtown to pay for Conseco Arena and Lucas Oil Stadium. It is kind of ironic that both venues were named after something slimy and something slick.

Anyway, back to the driving thing. Before you come downtown with your cash and credit cards, there are a few skills you need to acquire. Click on the map below or this Google Maps link for visual reference.

1) Know where you are going.
Downtown Indy is laid out like a grid. All of the main streets run North/South or East/West. The city planner threw in some diagonal streets just to confuse the Kentuckians. Matter of fact, on of them is actually named Kentucky Avenue. If you find yourself on Kentucky, you either work at Lilly or you're lost. If you're lost, turn around and go home. If you work at Lilly, stick around and spend some cash. If you're on Southeastern Avenue, you don't have any money, unless you have a roll of dollar bills. In that case, you must be looking for Brad's Brass Flamingo. Michigan Road doesn't even go to Michigan, so they re-named it Martin Luther King Drive and as far as I know he was never there. If you are on Massachusetts Avenue, you live downtown and we like to refer to it as Mass Ave. We all know how to park. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Know how and where to park your car.
Everyone can angle park, but if you cannot parallel park, do not try to park on the street. Find your favorite parking facility and park it between the yellow lines-not on top of them. If you passed Driver's Ed and you can still remember how to parallel, please park it between the meters on the first try. Parking on the street is free after 6PM every weeknight and all weekend. Do not park in the Loading Zones after 6PM. Those are all reserved for me. Loading Zones are all close to the restaurants and parking there is simply not allowed unless you pay taxes in Center Township or contributed money to Bart Peterson or Julia Carson.

3)Know which way the one-way streets go.
College, Delaware, and Illinois go north. Pennsylvania, and Capitol go south. Michigan Avenue(not road) goes west and New York goes east. Did you notice the bias going north? That's the same direction the money went. Carmel is building another downtown 15 miles north of Indy, but that's another blog.

4) Do not drive below the speed limit! It screws up traffic.
Most of the stop lights downtown are timed to be green if you drive close to the speed limit. Also, do not drive over the speed limit because you will either wear out your brakes stopping at all of the timed lights or run over a pedestrian which might be me.

5) Be prepared to walk a little.
When you come downtown it should be expected that you will need to walk a short distance to your final destination. The walking is good for you and you might discover something you would have never seen from a car like Indy's panhandlers. Do not make eye contact. Otherwise, pay up sucker. Once again, do not drive around and around at 15 mph looking for a place to park. It pisses me off.

6) Public transportation.
If any of these conditions are too difficult, take the bus. It's cheaper, greener, and easier. Better yet, live downtown.

Women and What They Taught Me

2007-10-04T21:02:00.000-04:00

Men are mentally disabled. That's why God created a woman-to keep us that way.

Hey, I'm kidding!

So, what have I learned and from who?

*My Mom-My birthday was the most special day of the year. At least, until Joe was born. When I asked her why he got everything I ever asked for she told me, "I was tired". I now know what she meant.

*Mrs. McGrath, my 6th grade math teacher, taught us that school was a serious place.
She was also a great teacher.

*Karen S. was my first kiss.

*Kandi K.(that's her real name) was the first person I knew who had emotional pain. Up to that point, I thought Beaver Cleaver was troubled.

*Joan W. was the first girl who drove me away by being nice. That's an interesting phenomena I still do not understand about men.

*Pat M. left me for a Purdue man. That was totally humiliating. Big mistake!

*Mary D. was the unfortunate person who knew me at my peak of being a very immature knucklehead who thought he had it all figured out. Is it too late to apologize?

*Helen L. showed me you can recover from anything including "that Guy Doyal".

*Brooke K. has made me aware that I still need more training.

*Julie L. found me and I found her and we've been in love ever since. We're so very lucky to have each other.

May all single men be as fortunate as me.

Guarantees

2007-09-30T08:40:00.000-04:00

Who doesn't love a guarantee?

Some of my favorites include Social Security checks(when I turn 66-ha!), Evan Bayh talking for an hour and not saying anything, Julia Carson getting re-elected while missing 40% of her votes but not any paychecks, Bart Peterson spending more than Indy can afford, O.J.'s constant pursuit of assdome (sounds good even if spell checker doesn't recognize it), and George W. solidifying his legacy as the worst president since Johnson (the first one).

But, is anything really guaranteed? Not really. So, roll with the punches and be glad we all live in a great country which gives us so many second chances.

Shawne Williams Update and Other Stuff

2007-09-29T08:18:00.000-04:00

Guess who did not show up for their court appearance this week?

Our own Shawne Williams, young Pacer prospect, evidently did not think it was necessary. So, if the Pacers won't cut him, I think they should change his job to something that better fits his skills. He could become Boomer and Bowser's new mascot buddy. We should call him Bozo, the world's tallest and most overpaid mascot.

Bozo's main job would be to stand in the free throw lane as Boomer catapults himself over Bozo and dunks the ball. That's the way he plays defense when he has a Pacer uniform on. If he doesn't show up, we could just put one of those photo cardboard cut-outs in front of the basket. No one would even notice the difference from the real Shawne.

On a side note, IU recruit Bud Mackey, was arrested Friday for dealing cocaine in Lexington, KY. Cut him! And that is is all I have to say about that.

Commuting in Indy - Why It's Not for Me

2007-09-18T19:07:00.000-04:00

When I was a squirt we were a one-car family. That was not unusual in the '50's. I was one of six children and by the '70's our family owned over eight cars, each with a gas-guzzling V-8 engines. Hey, gas was only about 35 cents per gallon. We were told that there was an endless supply of oil.

We all got married and collectively bought six more cars for our spouses, except for my brother Joe. His car was provided to him, but I'll save that story for my "Youngest Sibling Blog". Then, we all moved far away from the city where land was cheap and the houses were big. Life was grand. The six siblings had 19 children and I haven't counted cars lately, but you can see where I'm headed. In a wealthy country with over 300 million people there is not enough fuel and land for the process to continue.

I think it is time to re-think the American Dream.

I've lived the dream. My family of five owned a five bedroom house, five cars, and one enormous custom van. I had the means to pay for it all, but I did not leave much room for error. However, the twenty-somethings today have even less room for error. Our society can no longer expect to have more than the generation before them. But, they can still have a wonderful lifestyle. It will just take a little common sense to make it happen.

Make a list of the things you require and pick a spot somewhere in the middle to call home. My wife and I moved downtown from the burbs to be closer to work, entertainment, restaurants, and virtually everything else that used to require a car. We love it. Each of us has eliminated 15,000 miles of rush hour traffic a year. At 48 cents per mile we have saved over $10,000 per year in commuting cost and untold hours in traffic. We are now planning on being a one-car household again. We live in 40% of the space we used to own. Almost everything costs less now except for one thing-my property taxes.

If everyone exercises their right to vote in the next election, I think we can fix that, too.