The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

No, this isn't about a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It's about football. Everyone in Indy is still smarting from the early exit of the Colts from the NFL playoffs. It was looking even more grim to watch the Patriots on the brink of immortality by going undefeated all the way in Super Bowl 42 (the Roman numerals are getting a bit much since Indianapolis is graduating less than 50% of their high school students in IV (that's 4 in case you're one of them) years.

You see, the Colts are "The Good" with the exception of the robber owner, Jimmy Irsay. Jimmy has fleeced the city of several hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars. That's enough to finance the war in Iraq for nearly a day! Nevertheless, we have Peyton Manning, who has a children's hospital named after him. What else can you say? Anyway, if Peyton can't be there, why not Eli?

That brings us to "The Bad". Unless you live in New England, I cannot imagine anyone cheering for the Pats (or Teddy Kennedy). They not only cheat in ways we are not even aware of yet; they're also not very interesting. When is the last time you saw an interview of a current member of the Patriot organization? Never! That leaves us with media talking endlessly about how wonderful they are. Spare me!

By now, you've already figured out out who "Ugly" is. Bill Belichick defines "Ugly". He has no class. Never have I seen someone run off the field of battle before it was over since Hitler cowered in his bunker before the end of WWII. All he needs is a little mustache and he could be a fraternal twin. What a creep! Have a little class and stick around for the end of the game like the eighteen coaches you defeated.

I never thought I'd cheer for a New York team, but it was wonderful to see the Giants kick your cheatin' butts.

Pain

Pain comes in numerous forms.

Emotional Pain for Men-When your girlfriend dumps you because of the bald spot you are developing the night the Colts lose in the playoffs.

Emotional Pain for Women-When your balding boyfriend tells you to shut up just as Peyton throws an interception at the two yard line.

Physical Pain for Men-When Bob Sanders hits you in the "soft spot".

Physical Pain for Women-When Bob Sanders hits you in the "soft spot" without his uniform on.

Financial Pain for Men-When you find out that your wife went to the sale at Nordstrom.

Financial Pain for Women-Doesn't happen. All they can remember is how much they saved at the Nordstrom "Half-Yearly Sale".

Back Pain for Men-You ran out of Bud Lite before you were finished with the new landscaping, so you told your wife you had to stop because of your back pain.

Back Pain for Women-Whenever your man starts getting frisky, you tell him you must be starting your period because your back hurts. (Didn't she say that last week?)

Chronic Pain for Men-Women, but we couldn't feel good without them. Sounds contradictory to me.

Chronic Pain for Women-Men, but women tolerate pain better than men. I guess that means we don't need to change. (Right Honey?)

Euthanasia and Other Things I've Yet to Do

Every time I bring up the subject of euthanasia it is just about as popular as talking about the heartbreak of psoriasis and diverticulitis.

Nevertheless, now that I realize there are 1000 things I need to do and 100 places I need to see before I die, it's apparent I am going to miss a few. Hey, I've been occupied with all of the things Boomers have been doing for the past fifty years-working,raising kids, and paying taxes. I imagine I will just need to settle for watching a lot of Discovery HD and wait for the virtual world to become indistinguishable from the real thing.

Anyway, why am I talking about euthanasia? Well, we had to put our pooch, Whoobie, down last week. He was almost twelve and was relatively healthy until this fall, but he acquired one of those rare illnesses that has no treatment. My wife, his best friend, jumped in and gave him the type of nursing care sorely missed in our medical system. It kept the little guy going until the holidays, but he was getting sicker and sicker by the day. People told us we would know when to put him to sleep. It is not something you want to think about, but last Friday we knew. He was starting to suffer and it was time.

The whole thing reminded me of my parents last days. My mother died of cancer and my father of Alzheimer's. Everyone hates to see a loved one die, but in my opinion, their "time" was long before their last day.

So, when my "time" comes and our laws have not dealt with the final days of suffering, I'm catching a plane to Amsterdam, smoking a joint(one of the things I haven't done), NOT going to the Red Light District(one of the things you shouldn't do), and taking a walk to "the other side".

I'm Roundin' Up a Posse

Hey, I'm tired of hearing that Jamal Tinsley of our Indiana Pacers is having all of the fun late at night while I'm home sleeping. So, I'm putting together my own posse. Look out out Indy! IndyTed is going to be cruising the streets.

First, I need a driver. You must be able to handle a Ford Fusion. It doesn't have bullet-proof glass, but it is painted black with alloy wheels even if they aren't shiny.

Second, I need a bodyguard. Someone big enough to stop a bullet. Somebody like Evan.

Third, I really need an advance man. Someone who knows where all of the seedy places exist in Indy. Club Rio is so yesterday. Besides, the roof leaks there. Stephen Jackson shot a bunch of holes in the roof.

Fourth, I need someone who can convince my wife that I was just delivering a rush order to one of my customers at 3AM in the vicinity of 38th and Lafayette Road. This will require someone who can spin a good story. "That" Guy Doyal would be ideal, but he hangs with the shuffle board crowd in Florida when it gets cold in MoTown. I need someone 24/7.

Last, I need a woman. Not any woman, but one who has no fear. I need a woman who scares the bejabbers(that's a word in Indiana) out of mortal men. I need a woman who owns the room. I need a woman that is hard to understand, impossible to discourage, and soft to the touch.

But hey, I'm already married to her. Who needs a posse?

Indy Ted is Going Global

Starting today, you can read Ask Indy Ted in any language you choose. Just click the language of your choice from the drop-down menu on the right side bar! Below is an example in Japanese!

Arigatoo gozaimasu!

Dancing with the Stars Conspiracy

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Life in Indy after Bart

Have you ever gone on a spending binge and then realized a month later that you are in debt up to your chinny-chin-chin. Well, that is where Bart has left us.

Mayor Hudnut had wonderful intentions 25 years ago when the Hoosier Dome was built and the downtown became a much nicer place as a result. However, for 12 years he neglected to pay attention to the financial obligations the city had made to organizations like the police and fire department pension funds. He also did not like raising taxes, so whenever the city lacked the revenue to pay for bills, he would just float another bond. His one unforgivable lie was that the stadium tax of 1% would be retired when the bonds on the Dome/Indiana Convention Center were paid off. The revenue from the tax would have paid off the debt by 1990, but he merely refinanced the debt and added more. We now owe $46 million on a Dome we are going to tear down next spring that we originally borrowed $35 million to build.

After Hudnut, Mayor Goldsmith came along and continued the same policies, but he did it with St. Elmo's Shrimp Cocktail Sauce on it. He ignored the same obligations, borrowed more cash, built Conseco Arena for $185 million and gave it to the Pacers for free. Oh, in the meantime he cut a deal with the Colts to keep them in Indy until 2013. The only problem was he gave our football horses all of the revenue for the Dome PLUS a $10-15 million annual sweetener. I think the city owed over $100 million to the police and firemen by the time he left office.

Enter Bart, the protege' of Evan Bayh. He took the art of giving away the city to a new level. He supported the arts, built trails, brought us hotels with fancy linens, and crammed a $725 million stadium and a $140 million library down our throats. He also did not pay-up to the police and firemen. We now owe them $400 million. Here is the best part. He thought that he was so popular, he thought he could stop borrowing our future and let the bad news hit while blaming it on the state. He followed that news with a 65% increase in the local income taxes. It was like watching the Thriller video all over again. Dead people(aka Hoosier voters) woke up. We had a race even if what's his name only had $51,000 and no support form the Republican Party.

The unbelievable happened. Greg Ballard, a retired Lt. Kernel, I mean Colonel won. Who cares why. He won. The voters, at least 52% of them, said enough was enough. What do I expect him to accomplish? Realistically, not that much. We owe the money. All I expect him to do is put the city on a fiscal diet. Hopefully, four years from now, our taxes will be less and what we currently have will still be maintained. If he creates an environment that the private sector finds attractive for building projects based on their merits rather than the tax abatements passed out by Bill, Steve, and Bart he will be a huge success.

It will be interesting to see if he can surprise us again.

Hoosiers Pummel Boilers 42-24 in Bucket Game

Well, actually not yet. It still Friday, November 16th and the kick-off isn't for another 24 hours. But, the reason for my bold prediction is a result of attending the Annual IU/Purdue Old Oaken Bucket Luncheon at the Columbia Club in downtown Indy.

I was invited to attend by Matt Rittenhouse who represents Merrill Lynch here in Indianapolis. Little did I know that I was in for a memorable day. Upon arriving, I was greeted by Matt, his dad Ron, Gregg Boehning, and other fans of the losing team. Matt told me to sit at Table #2, so I worked my way through the crowd and found my table. I saw a familiar face in Terry Thompson, Superintendent of Wayne Township Schools, whose son Dan played for IU and had a pivotal role in beating the Boilers the last time I think the Hoosiers won the Bucket. I was a much younger man back then. The Hoosiers actually did have the winning score about six years ago, but the weather was the dominant force that day. Rain, wind, and bad coaching beat the Boilers that day.

So, what makes me so confident that tomorrow will be different? Well, the next person to arrive at my table was Coach Lynch, then Terry Hutchens from the Indianapolis Star sat down followed by Bob Lovell who was the MC. I was at the head, I mean, winner's table. And just to my left about 5 feet away sat "The Bucket". This NEVER happens to me. It was nirvana for a guy who has lived most of his life in the background. If I was in Iraq, I'd be driving a fuel tanker, not the M-1 Abrams tank. If I worked at the Playboy Mansion, I'd be the guy cutting the grass-not grabbing some ***. I couldn't say a word. I just took in all in. I listened to Coach talk about how the players were killing each other in practice, so they stopped hitting on Wednesday. Terry was talking about his new book about Coach Hep. Bob Lovell knew everyone in the room except me and he even knows me now. It was great!

Anyway, Mark Herman, former QB from Purdue spoke first to the crowd. He did a nice job. I didn't know Purdue alumni could do public speaking because it rarely happens. Then Coach Lynch took the podium and immediately received a standing ovation from the IU faithful and a few of the Purdue folks. Most of Purdue folks just sat there and wondered why all of the fuss. It was then I realized that it's our year. The Hoosiers want it more. The Boilers just think they need to show up, thump the Hoosiers, and get their annual invite to some obscure bowl in El Paso then spend the winter talking about why they should fire Tiller. Well, we are going to win, PLAY 13 like Coach Hep wanted, and be thrilled to go to any bowl even if it is in Detroit.

When all of the festivities ended, I walked over to my left, rubbed an "I" hanging off the side of the Bucket, and gave it a gentle hug. Perfect.

I've Been on Vacation.,,

The Mrs., myself, and Woobie(correct spelling-not Whoobie) left for a week in North Carolina on Oct 27th. It was not an ideal time to leave town, but when is it ever a good time. Julie's company is going through some reorganization which really needed her involvement, so she has been on the phone a few times and one of my long time competitors announced they are folding their tent at the end of the year. So, I've also been on the phone and checking resumes to fill an open sales position or two. They are having a hundred year drought down here in NC and I think it is easier to get a permit to build a swimming pool than to find a qualified sales representative who knows anything about the offset printing business who isn't 55 years old and burned out.

Anyhoo, the weather has been beautiful, the color has been spectacular, and I continue to be amazed how people are willing to build a million dollar house next door to an Appalachian shack. I would think it would make it difficult to do a real estate comp a few years form now when you try to sell the place before you move into the old farts home. However, they keep throwing them up and the prices are still increasing in spite of the national trend to the contrary.

We also spent four days in Charlotte. WOW! I haven't seen a city do what they have done in the past ten years. The entire downtown, which they call Uptown, is virtually all new construction. It is the second largest banking center in the USA. There are banks everywhere and they love to built monuments to themselves. Bank of America and Wachovia in particular seem to dominate the landscape. They have leveled anything that is a good spot for another high-rise condo or office tower.

Charlotte has a lot of similarities to Indianapolis. They are of similar size, are creating a new downtown population to support the arts, restaurants, and professional teams that are all located within walking distance. Everything inside the inner loop is prospering while the dregs are just mile away in the shadows of the stadiums, arenas, condos, and office towers. They both have a problem with urban sprawl. Traffic gets progressively worse the farther you drive from the center of town. The most prosperous neighborhoods are located north and south and both have an abundance of malls.

On the contrary, Charlotte seems to be reaching their goals much faster than Indianapolis. That may be primarily the result of Indianapolis having no significant local banks. I also get the impression the average paycheck in Charlotte seems to support living in a $500K condo on top of the fact that they pay significantly lower property taxes. Both downtowns seem to understand the importance of cleanliness, but they both share similar issues with the homeless. Indianapolis, on the other hand, has preserved a lot of its older architecture. It has a less sterile feel than Charlotte and Indy has also preserved much more green space even if it primarily used by the homeless(i.e. University Park). For what it is worth, Indy overwhelms Charlotte in the memorial/monument category. Racing is enormous in both cities. Indy is the home for open wheel and Charlotte is home to NASCAR which is dominating the racing crowd until the egos running open wheel gets their poop together.

As for the people, both towns have an abundance of nice people. However, folks in Charlotte seem a bit trimmer and visitors look like they are from NYC or DC. Indy's out-of-towners tend to be square dancers with thick ankles that get excited riding up and down any elevator with a glass wall. Hey, their money is green, Chicago doesn't want them, and we sure as hell need their help to pay for the "Oil Can"(Lucas Oil Stadium).

Don't forget to vote November 6th.