Ten Rules to Live By According to Julie & AskIndyTed

1) If you drink, do not drive. Take a cab.
2) Do not jump on trampolines unless you are employed by Ringling Brothers Circus.
3) Do not ride on motorcycles even if you are sober.
4) If you are married, be faithful. If you're Eliot Spitzer, you're history.
5) Pay your bills on time. Credit is a wonderful thing when it is used properly.
6) If you treat the ladies nice, they'll treat you nice.
7) If no one likes you, get a dog. They will love you unconditionally.
8) If you don't care if anyone likes you, get a cat.
9) When you are having a lousy day, donate blood. It sounds gross, but you'll feel better having helped someone else.
10)Winter in Indiana sucks!

The Crossroads of Air Pollution

I have just been informed by my lovely daughter-in-law that Indy is the sixth most toxic city in the nation. For the most part she is correct. However, if the city planners 150+ years ago had known about the creation of the EPA, they would have laid out the city a little differently.

There is no dispute that if you tape a plain piece of paper to the hood of your car on a typical day in Indianapolis, there will be a layer of black grit on it by the end of the day. Hey, we're breathing this crap. No wonder I can't run a marathon in spite of the fact I have never trained for one. Nevertheless, the air is full of crud. Where's it coming from? Well, very innocently most of the industry, power plants, airports, and major distribution warehouses with the affiliated trucking companies are all located on the west side of town. With the prevailing wind out of the west all of the crud gets blown right over the main part of town where the EPA very sensibly measures air pollution.

Cities with the industrial bases on the east, north, or south sides of town just get grazed by the nasty little boogers. So, until Cummins Engine finds a way to catch all of the particulates from diesel engines, IPL builds a nuclear plant somewhere downwind so all of the radioactive fallout lands on Ohio, and the airlines start using biofuels we are going to be on the list. It is kind of like building a campfire and then standing in the smoke while you roast your weenies.

A Chat and New "Old" Technology

I was out of town today making sales calls, so I had not checked my e-mail until I arrived home at 5:30PM. Well, suddenly my oldest son Kyle, who lives in New York, sends me an instant message from North Carolina. He is there on a shoot for CBS Sports Television (formerly CSTV). Amazing, eh? When all of the sudden my second oldest son, Joel, sends me an instant message from Ireland! You know, the land of the potato blight and green scenic views? So, I message back that I am chatting with Kyle online. Next thing I know we are chatting between the three of us from my living room in NapTown.

Dorothy, we're not in Kansas anymore.

Next thing you know, Reynolds Aluminum will be bringing out a new foil for my rabbit ears so I won't get a shadow on Channel 4.

Daily Cost of Lucas Oil Stadium

I don't mean to throw cold water over all of the euphoria of our new stadium, but I thought you might find it interesting to know just what our new pile of bricks and steel is going to cost the citizens of metropolitan Indy EVERY day for the next 30 years.

The Star reported today that the projected amount that will be borrowed upon completion of the stadium is $704 million and the interest rate on the bonds will be 4.23%. I wish I could get a rate like that on my house, but what the heck.

So, how much is it going to cost us? Well, when we pay all of the principle & interest and assuming we never re-finance it like the RCA Dome, the total payments will be $1,243,806,000 plus change. That will amount to $113,589.00 per day. But wait, don't forget the annual maintenance cost of $10 million...like Bart did when he sold the deal to the taxpayers. That will ad another $27,397.00 daily for a total of $140,986.00 per day! Thank goodness the city doesn't pay property taxes. If it did under Governor Daniels new property tax formula it would cost an additional $57,535 per day but in reality that cost will just be shifted to Marion County taxpayers.

What really irks me is that Jimmy Irsay will pay nothing unless he dines at St. Elmo's and yet he will receive 100% of the revenue from Colts games and 50% of the net revenue for all non-Colts events.

To pay for all of this, the city will primarily rely on the 2% restaurant tax. In other words, we can pay for it if every man, woman, and child in Central Indiana buys a value meal at McDonald's everyday for the next thirty years. The architects must have already been aware of this. All of the new seats in the stadium are designed to accommodate overweight people. Brilliant! Let's just make sure there are extra EMT's to handle the increased heart attack rate during games!

A Beakthrough for AskIndyTed

Over the past few weeks my beautiful bride has been transitioning from a corporate executive who has been eating outside the home too frequently to a consultant and soon-to-be something else who has decided to start cooking at home while doing Weight Watchers online. It's been wonderful! Great chow at a fraction of the cost WITHOUT contributing one red cent to the "2% Restaurant Dome Tax". For you out-of-towner's, the city decided it would be a burden to tax groceries for the benefit of Jimmy Irsay while it pays for a new stadium and gives most of the revenue to him.

So, what does all of that have to do with a breakthrough for me? Well, the Mrs. wanted to go out to our old Sunday night haunt for dinner. How could I tell her no? She's been a trouper.

So, I got myself cleaned up this afternoon and took her out. Well, unbeknown st to her, I did something a little different. I did NOT put on any socks! Just me and my UGG's. Shocking! People have been trying for me to take my socks off and use "product" in my hair for years. Well, the socks are off. Stay tuned on my hair.

Next thing you know, I'll be sticking an Obama sign in my front yard.

How Did IU Ever Hire Sampson?

First of all, if Indiana University has ever been guilty of anything it would be its resistance to "change". And that thinking has served it well for over 175 years with leaders like Bryan, Jordan, Wells, and Ryan. It has been blessed with great faculty who have done ground-breaking research in biology, chemistry, physics, and human sexual behavior(I had to throw that in).

The Athletic Department has distinguished itself until recently as one of the finest in the country. Doc Councilman did not lose a Big Ten meet in over a decade and won seven consecutive NCAA titles before he swam the English Channel at 66 years of age(a record at the time). Branch McCracken led the Hurryin' Hoosiers to two NCAA basketball championships, Jerry Yeagley started a soccer club in 1963 which eventually led to six NCAA titles, and everyone remembers Bobby winning three NCAA championships. As far as I know, none of these men ever broke the rules.

So, where in Heaven's Name did things go awry?

Well, someone thought it would be good to "change" things at IU. It all started innocently when Thomas Ehrlich was named president of the university. He had a distinguished academic background and was hired to raise the bar on IU's somewhat mediocre academic ranking. Well, he clashed with Bobby. Ehrlich was right, but he was messing with the status quo. To make a long story short, Ehrlich quit rather than lock horns with Knight. Enter Myles Brand as the new president. He basically had the same mission as Ehrlich, but he was not to be intimidated by a basketball coach and Bobby was canned-and rightfully so. However, by now things were so broken between the athletic department, the university, and the citizens of Indiana, Brand resigned to take over the NCAA in Indianapolis.

Indiana University became a ship without a compass. It also needed to hire a new A.D.(Bobby got him canned, too). IU began to drift. No one was at the helm. We were left with a miserable football program that couldn't get 25,000 fannies in the stands and the basketball program was stuck with a coach who was thrown in the ocean but had not yet learned to swim with the sharks.

Ticket sales and all related revenue tanked. The athletic department was in the red. To give you some perspective, IU's annual budget is one third the size ($32 million vs. $100+ million) of Michigan and Ohio State's annual largess. Something had to "change" and remember, Bloomington doesn't like "change".

Well, someone thought it would be a good idea to hire a new president from an athletically oriented state like Florida, home of "there are no rules". Down south the battle cry is "Just win", even if the players are illiterate thugs. Enter Adam Herbert from the Sunshine State as the new president of IU. President Herbert's first act as president was to get on a plane and go back to Florida and wait on the paychecks to arrive in the mail. In the meantime, while Herbert was on a permanent vacation in Florida, Rick Greenspan was hired as the athletic director. His mantra was to bring in the bucks. Now that we have a motive, we need someone to commit the crime. Allow me to introduce Kelvin Sampson as the new basketball coach and new savior of the revenue stream for Indiana University Athletics. You can read the rest of that story in the paper.

It can be fixed. But first, we need to "change" it back to the way it used to be. IU used to stand for something...namely integrity and honesty. The alumni want to be proud again...we want our IU heritage of integrity back!

A Few Words About Kelvin Sampson

Fire him now!

Unique Indy Food

Philly created cheesesteak sandwiches, New Orleans warms you up with shrimp creole, Boston serves up raw oysters like hazardous waste, and Cincinnati boils sauer kraut with water from the Ohio. So what unusual dishes does Indy have that distinguishes it from the rest of America?

Don't look for it in restaurants. You have to go to the State Fair. On Diabetic Drive you can start out with a Lemon Shake-up and a Funnel Cake. I don't know where the name comes from but its 100% sugar. After the sugar buzz subsides, catch the shuttle(no reason to walk off the 2000 calories) over to Deep-Fried Lane. It smells wonderful unless one of the horses pulling the shuttle dropped a deuce. There you can partake in either a deep-fried Twinkie or if you're really hungry, you can mow down on a pork chop fresh out of the fryer. Now you just need to drag yourself over to a park bench on Cardiac Lane next to the World's Fattest Two-Headed Woman and listen to you arteries clog. And do not forget the corn on the cob that's been soaking in butter.

On your way home make sure you buy a pound of salt water taffy and get some cotton candy for the road. You might need a snack before you hit the rack.

A New Reality for Local Government

Bless you Mitch Daniels! Your proposal to fix Indiana's property tax fiasco is starting to gain traction. Even our dim-witted legislators are having a difficult time trying to dismember it. It seems that his simple formula of taxing homeowners property at 1% of their market value is leaving the coffers of unaccountable local governments a bit shy of their recent spending habits.

For example, Lake County(East Chicago & Gary) is going to come up about $250 million shy of a balanced budget while Marion County(Indianapolis) is light $100 million. Hamilton County(Carmel) which is the richest county in the state will empty the coins in the ashtrays of their BMW's to pay off their $5.8 million deficit.

Kudos to Indianapolis Mayor Ballard for making sense of the problem. He won't cut the police budget, but "everything else is on the table". I guess the previous administration was planning to have a $2 million party to celebrate the opening of our new $1 billion airport terminal. He's already shot that one down. Uh, honey, put away my tuxedo.

As for Lake County, let's just give it to Chicago.