Driving in Downtown Indy

Compared to other cities across the country, Indianapolis must be one of the easiest to navigate. Then, why in Heaven's name are there so many people who can't do it! Funny thing is, we need all of the mobile morons we can get to spend their hard earned bucks downtown to pay for Conseco Arena and Lucas Oil Stadium. It is kind of ironic that both venues were named after something slimy and something slick.

Anyway, back to the driving thing. Before you come downtown with your cash and credit cards, there are a few skills you need to acquire. Click on the map below or this Google Maps link for visual reference.

1) Know where you are going.
Downtown Indy is laid out like a grid. All of the main streets run North/South or East/West. The city planner threw in some diagonal streets just to confuse the Kentuckians. Matter of fact, on of them is actually named Kentucky Avenue. If you find yourself on Kentucky, you either work at Lilly or you're lost. If you're lost, turn around and go home. If you work at Lilly, stick around and spend some cash. If you're on Southeastern Avenue, you don't have any money, unless you have a roll of dollar bills. In that case, you must be looking for Brad's Brass Flamingo. Michigan Road doesn't even go to Michigan, so they re-named it Martin Luther King Drive and as far as I know he was never there. If you are on Massachusetts Avenue, you live downtown and we like to refer to it as Mass Ave. We all know how to park. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Know how and where to park your car.
Everyone can angle park, but if you cannot parallel park, do not try to park on the street. Find your favorite parking facility and park it between the yellow lines-not on top of them. If you passed Driver's Ed and you can still remember how to parallel, please park it between the meters on the first try. Parking on the street is free after 6PM every weeknight and all weekend. Do not park in the Loading Zones after 6PM. Those are all reserved for me. Loading Zones are all close to the restaurants and parking there is simply not allowed unless you pay taxes in Center Township or contributed money to Bart Peterson or Julia Carson.

3)Know which way the one-way streets go.
College, Delaware, and Illinois go north. Pennsylvania, and Capitol go south. Michigan Avenue(not road) goes west and New York goes east. Did you notice the bias going north? That's the same direction the money went. Carmel is building another downtown 15 miles north of Indy, but that's another blog.

4) Do not drive below the speed limit! It screws up traffic.
Most of the stop lights downtown are timed to be green if you drive close to the speed limit. Also, do not drive over the speed limit because you will either wear out your brakes stopping at all of the timed lights or run over a pedestrian which might be me.

5) Be prepared to walk a little.
When you come downtown it should be expected that you will need to walk a short distance to your final destination. The walking is good for you and you might discover something you would have never seen from a car like Indy's panhandlers. Do not make eye contact. Otherwise, pay up sucker. Once again, do not drive around and around at 15 mph looking for a place to park. It pisses me off.

6) Public transportation.
If any of these conditions are too difficult, take the bus. It's cheaper, greener, and easier. Better yet, live downtown.