Monday, October 22, 2007

Bart has the $$$ to Lie

The only thing more sad than Bart's lies is the effort by the local Republican Party to defeat him. Greg Ballard seems to be capable of being mayor, but we'll never know. His own party has sent him down the White River without a paddle. Bart has about $1,500,000.00 in his campaign fund while Ballard has $51,000.

Ever wonder where Bart came up with that kind of dough. How about starting with the grateful contractors who are building the new $1,000,000,000 airport terminal, or our new $725,000,000 Lucas Oil Stadium which is replacing the RCA Dome that will be replaced by the $300,000,000 convention center expansion.

Our $140,000,000 library which was originally suppose to cost $30,000,000 opens next month. You won't find me there until I am convinced it won't collapse due to serious structural flaws.

Connect the dots everyone and vote for the guy with $51,000. No one owns him-yet.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Gettin' to the Airport

Did you realize that their is another way to get to the airport other than driving your car? No, I'm not talking about the taxi. I'm talking about Indy's version of mass transit, Indygo. Still confused? I'm talking about the bus stupid.

Let's say you're leaving town for a long weekend. It's going to cost you or a friend at least six bucks plus the wear and tear on your car to get to the airport. But, if you drive your own car and park at one of the lots it will cost you seven more bucks a day to park. Add it up. We're talking around thirty-five Uncle Sams for a round trip to your crib.

If you take Indygo, it will cost you a measly $3.00 cash(correct change please). Also, not to mention, you'll make Al Gore and the polar bears happy. Plus, you'll save yourself a car wash. There is nothing like the grime of jet engines blowing carbon on your car for four days in addition to the creeps who ding your car in the lot.

Oh ,you say it takes longer? It takes 40 minutes to the terminal door on Indygo from downtown which is where you should be living anyway. I defy you to drive to the airport, park your car, wait for the shuttle, and get to your respective check-in in less time. Unless, you live in Carmel or Zionsville. In that case, you are probably planning to build your own airport so you won't need to drive south of 96th Street.

I also did it in New York City. It cost me $4.00 to get to La Guardia versus the typical fare of $40-50 via the cab with Mohamed Abdullah Oblongata at the wheel. My only advice in NYC was to keep repeating "Como este" on the train. It made the locals smile.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Gee Whiz Kelvin!!!

Are you related to Shaun Williams? Did you not think the NCAA was not serious last year when they issued sanctions against you along with Indiana University?

All I wanted this year was for the my 401K to go north, the Hoosier football team to go to a bowl to honor Hep, and for the Hurryin' Hoosiers to contend for a Big $1.10 championship while I listened on the RCA(that's a radio if you were born after 1965).

However, all I have at this point is very little Big $1.10 sports on the tube since Rupert Murdoch "paid off" the A.D.'s, more IU b-ball sanctions, and Bob "I love Mike Davis" Kravitz getting up on his pulpit telling the whole world the righteous thing to do is fire another IU coach.

Speaking of the right thing to do, I wish the Indianapolis Star would send your sorry ass to another Gannett paper.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Driving in Downtown Indy

Compared to other cities across the country, Indianapolis must be one of the easiest to navigate. Then, why in Heaven's name are there so many people who can't do it! Funny thing is, we need all of the mobile morons we can get to spend their hard earned bucks downtown to pay for Conseco Arena and Lucas Oil Stadium. It is kind of ironic that both venues were named after something slimy and something slick.

Anyway, back to the driving thing. Before you come downtown with your cash and credit cards, there are a few skills you need to acquire. Click on the map below or this Google Maps link for visual reference.

1) Know where you are going.
Downtown Indy is laid out like a grid. All of the main streets run North/South or East/West. The city planner threw in some diagonal streets just to confuse the Kentuckians. Matter of fact, on of them is actually named Kentucky Avenue. If you find yourself on Kentucky, you either work at Lilly or you're lost. If you're lost, turn around and go home. If you work at Lilly, stick around and spend some cash. If you're on Southeastern Avenue, you don't have any money, unless you have a roll of dollar bills. In that case, you must be looking for Brad's Brass Flamingo. Michigan Road doesn't even go to Michigan, so they re-named it Martin Luther King Drive and as far as I know he was never there. If you are on Massachusetts Avenue, you live downtown and we like to refer to it as Mass Ave. We all know how to park. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Know how and where to park your car.
Everyone can angle park, but if you cannot parallel park, do not try to park on the street. Find your favorite parking facility and park it between the yellow lines-not on top of them. If you passed Driver's Ed and you can still remember how to parallel, please park it between the meters on the first try. Parking on the street is free after 6PM every weeknight and all weekend. Do not park in the Loading Zones after 6PM. Those are all reserved for me. Loading Zones are all close to the restaurants and parking there is simply not allowed unless you pay taxes in Center Township or contributed money to Bart Peterson or Julia Carson.

3)Know which way the one-way streets go.
College, Delaware, and Illinois go north. Pennsylvania, and Capitol go south. Michigan Avenue(not road) goes west and New York goes east. Did you notice the bias going north? That's the same direction the money went. Carmel is building another downtown 15 miles north of Indy, but that's another blog.

4) Do not drive below the speed limit! It screws up traffic.
Most of the stop lights downtown are timed to be green if you drive close to the speed limit. Also, do not drive over the speed limit because you will either wear out your brakes stopping at all of the timed lights or run over a pedestrian which might be me.

5) Be prepared to walk a little.
When you come downtown it should be expected that you will need to walk a short distance to your final destination. The walking is good for you and you might discover something you would have never seen from a car like Indy's panhandlers. Do not make eye contact. Otherwise, pay up sucker. Once again, do not drive around and around at 15 mph looking for a place to park. It pisses me off.

6) Public transportation.
If any of these conditions are too difficult, take the bus. It's cheaper, greener, and easier. Better yet, live downtown.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Women and What They Taught Me


Men are mentally disabled. That's why God created a woman-to keep us that way.

Hey, I'm kidding!

So, what have I learned and from who?

*My Mom-My birthday was the most special day of the year. At least, until Joe was born. When I asked her why he got everything I ever asked for she told me, "I was tired". I now know what she meant.

*Mrs. McGrath, my 6th grade math teacher, taught us that school was a serious place.
She was also a great teacher.

*Karen S. was my first kiss.

*Kandi K.(that's her real name) was the first person I knew who had emotional pain. Up to that point, I thought Beaver Cleaver was troubled.

*Joan W. was the first girl who drove me away by being nice. That's an interesting phenomena I still do not understand about men.

*Pat M. left me for a Purdue man. That was totally humiliating. Big mistake!

*Mary D. was the unfortunate person who knew me at my peak of being a very immature knucklehead who thought he had it all figured out. Is it too late to apologize?

*Helen L. showed me you can recover from anything including "that Guy Doyal".

*Brooke K. has made me aware that I still need more training.

*Julie L. found me and I found her and we've been in love ever since. We're so very lucky to have each other.

May all single men be as fortunate as me.