Being Merried

No, that isn't a typo. I am talking about what I have had some difficulty with from time to time. You see, I've become a bit of a curmudgeon in my later years. I imagine it is a bit of an aversion to experiencing disappointment. Please understand, I just retired as a salesperson. In sales, rejection is a daily occurrence and you become a bit hardened as a means of self-preservation. Sometimes, after a long hard series of rejections, you are just not a lot of fun.

But, I'm getting off the subject, which is to find a way to become a "light" instead of a Captain Dark Cloud. This past weekend, I had my very own "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. You see, I have been in a royal funk over the past few years--frustrated with the way "things" have turned out. There's no reason to re-hash my past. Let's just say it was not what I had envisioned for myself.

Then, last weekend, we threw a party!

Over a hundred friends, family, and neighbors came to our home to celebrate the engagement of Joel (my second oldest) to a wonderful woman named Jo. It was quite an event in our small downtown condo. There was conversation, laughter, hugging, kissing, great food, stories, and me--feeling just like Jimmy Stewart at the end of the movie. It does not matter what has happened in your life. It only matters that people care.

So, feeling a little down? Hug someone. 'Tis the season for "Being Merried".

Litterbugs

I was recently fortunate to travel across the pond to visit the Queen and her subjects. And, I must say, London seems to really have its act together. The city is absolutely beautiful, rich with history, fast-paced (I've never seen people walk that fast), polite, well-dressed, and VOID of litter. I'm not kidding! No trash anywhere except in the few hard to find trash receptacles.

Why would I notice? Because, I live on a busy city street in Indy when folks seems to think it is quite appropriate to toss whatever they like on the ground. What is even more amazing is that most litter is comprised of a fairly limited variety. So, here's my list and a few suggestions.

1) Cigarette butts. Please swallow them when done. I feel like I'm touching your lips every time I pick one up.

2) Snack bags. Do you realize that the half-life of a snack bag is longer than a human life? Stop eating this crap and you'll live longer in a cleaner environment.

3) Candy wrappers. Eat all of the candy you want. My brother is a dentist and he could use the business, but please stick the wrapper in you pocket and let your dog sniff it when you get home.

4) Hostess Twinkie, Ho-Ho, Cupcake, and any thing with a creme or fruit filling wrappers. Have you ever read what is in them? Your first clue should be the way they spell "creme". It's not really cream. It's an emulsion of chemicals they had leftover after making window caulk. Is that what you're doing? Caulking your pie hole?

5) Soft drink bottles. If you're thirsty, drink water. When the bottle is empty, fill it up and use it again.

6) Plastic shopping bags. Instead of taking out the aforementioned items and throwing them on the ground followed by the bag, keep the bag. Then, put your trash in it and carry it to the closest receptacle.

Better yet, don't buy any of these diabetic/heart disease time bombs. Take your slimmer self to the bank and buy a CD instead.

Freekin' Flying

I have not yet forgotten the trauma of my San Francisco debacle with Airtran Airlines and what do I do? I climbed aboard another aluminum flying tube with a different logo pasted to its side headed to London. This time US Airways is the culprit.

The leftovers of Tropical Depression Ida have been slowly working their way from the Gulf Coast north to the New England area. Up here, they do not call them tropical depressions. They refer to them as Noreasters. Thats' slang for it is raining and blowing like hell form the northeast. Or, in my case, it means I am sitting in a hotel for 24 hours in Philadelphia rather than my luxury suite in London next to Hyde Park.

I know US Airways is not responsible for the weather, but they are accountable for treating me like livestock riding up I-65 on a semi-trailer headed for the International Beef Packing Company outside of Logansport to become next week's deli sandwich. How can they expect me to return as a customer when they offered no notification of my flight delay, no assistance to stow my luggage from a nasty flight attendant that Julie almost decked, no options when my connection was in doubt, no chance of making my connection by having the London flight leave EARLY before its scheduled time, no reasonable effort to get me on another flight, no eye contact as they told us we'd have to wait and get on a flight a freakin' 24 hours later, and finally offering me their condolences on an 8 1/2 X 11 piece of paper that offered to put me up in an EconoSludge in ghetto-Philly..at my cost no less.

So, heads up American Airlines in February and Southwest in April. All I want is a tad more humanity, a smile, on-time arrival, a Diet Coke, and a little bit of legroom. Hold the peanuts!

Thermostat Control

Who is in control of the thermostat in your abode? If you are a man, you are in control. If not, buy a skirt. No self-respecting man ever relinquishes control of the one thing that women are incapable of understanding.

Oh, I sense the ladies are not happy I could make such a claim?Well, answer these questions:

(True or False)

1) Will raising the thermostat setting by five degrees warm the house up faster?

2) Will lowering the thermostat five degrees cool the house down sooner?

3) Can you properly adjust the settings on a programmable thermostat?

4) Does it make you uncomfortable to have the house temperature set at 55 degrees during the winter when you leave town for a few days?

5) Are you going through menopause?

6) Did your husband kill ants with a magnifying glass when he was young?

Correct Answers:

1) False. The furnace can only warm the house as fast as he can "heat" you up. It takes awhile.

2) False. I think I just cooled down my wife.

3) False. You should stick to cooking, cleaning, and bringing home a paycheck. Leave the technical stuff to your hubby.

4) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a noise? Same concept. If you don't get it, leave the thermostat alone!

5) It depends. If you have messed with the thermostat in the last 24 hours, you are in menopause.

6) If so, he understands thermo stuff. Need I say more?

Oh, BTW, the same goes for the car.

Bicycling Downtown Indy

I no longer have a car of my own! When I hung it up a month ago, I turned in the keys to my "free" company car and walked home. The office is only three blocks away, but it was a one-way strut into retirement from working and having my own set of wheels.

However, I have a couple of sons who have shown me the light of living without owning a carbon dioxide-belching American icon.

My oldest, Kyle, lives in New York City where having a car is more of an inconvienence and expense that he can live without. Besides, the Metro can get you anywhere in about thirty minutes if you don't mind walking a couple of blocks to the station only to descend into a grimy subterranean and somewhat odoriferous underground. But, it works and it's cheaper than a taxi.

My other son, Joel, lives in beautiful and just as pricey San Francisco. You can get around in the Bay Area in a car as long as you do not need to park it. Parking is a sport in San Fran. You must be able to track Google Maps on your iPhone, talk to the old man(that would be me), and drive 80mph without having a high-speed collision in the morning fog. He prefers the Google Shuttle and it's free(that's my boy!)! When he needs a car, he either rents one by the hour or mooches his sweetie's wheels.

So, what am I to do in Indy? We have no subways or shuttles (unless you live in Hamilton County), but we do have IndyGo. It can take you anywhere as long as you are not in a hurry and you need to go to a suburban mall. IndyGo is an incomplete answer to Indy's urban sprawl and low population density, but I am getting off the subject. How do I get around town?

On my bike! Indy is not New York or San Fran, but just about everything you need is within a 10 minute ride on a bicycle. The streets are wide and the sidewalks are plentiful albeit illegal as I found out on a Sunday while cruising around downtown before a Colts game. I almost received two tickets from the police because I wasn't willing to play chicken in the street with a bunch of drunks driving scores of re-cycled school buses painted blue with "Go Colts" painted on the side.

Anyway, it's good exercise and it makes the neighbors giggle when I peddle by. And heaven knows, people need a reason to laugh. It's my new job.